Words fail me, idk if anything I even think of saying will help at all... So instead, I'm sending you s, and letting you know I'm listening, and keeping you in pray (((((Tink)))))

ps. I understand how being estranged from your mum is eating you up inside. I was in the same position with my eldest brother (who was MUCH more like a father to me, with an age gap to match). Bcoz of my uncertainty, and the crippling fear that he hated me for being a dissapointment, I couldn't process his death at all until 1 day, almost a year later, my eldest sister told me that the night before he died, they were talking, and he said he was so proud of me... I pray that someone can give you the relief you need in this area