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Even though I think and feel a lot of awful things and mostly don’t want to wake up let along get out of bed most days I am still trying, to do what is expected like applying for jobs, I have a job interview coming up and I am going back to college soon. However I consider myself a complete joke and I know that this won’t work out and I will just add more reasons and baggage to the self hatred.
However even so, people are like you should live and have a life. Yet to try and do this when people know you don’t want to seem so wrong and like you’re committing a crime even though they agree you should just live and move on from this time in life. It’s like we will give you advice, support but to try to follow that is just as wrong as dwelling in the negativity and I am at a lost as to just caring and struggling to put some flam burning away inside me again and not be such a cold miserable and practically shadow of a person and life. THIS IS NOT ABOUT REPLIES FROM OTHER MEMBERS INCASE ANYONE CAN SEE A WAY TO INFER THAT. THIS IS ABOUT PEOPLE IN MY REAL LIFE AND HAVING TO FACE BUMPING INTO THEM OR THEM GOSSIPING BUT THEY ARE TRYING TO BE HELPFUL AND THE BETTER PERASON BUT WAIT UNTIL YOUR OUT FOR HEARING RANGE.
I thought at some point it was me not giving myself enough credit or something like that for doing stuff like some people are like but think of all the good and positive thing you have done. However it always seem to be just delusional of yourself, so they don’t have to put up with you and surly how could she ever think she was anything worth anything or good at something because it’s true I am hopeless and useless but I just have to pretend not to be so they can then calm I am stuck up and won’t see my faults or mistakes but all I was ever trying to do was not be as miserable and dwelling in myself defeating hatred.
This is why I don’t enjoy life it seems I will always be battling these thoughts and other people. However I if carry on living then I have to try and move on or get over this however nothing has been working and surly you all can see why it would make you think and feel in such horrible ways and start to believe that’s all you are and deserve to be.
It seems strange that someday if feels I have very little right or reason for living and mostly I feel I don’t want to or care to but this is only something of a notion from the last couple of years before that I couldn’t wait to grow up and have my independent life and job and a flat… I even dream of how and where about this place would be but that all seems like child’s play and day dream not a realty that actually in theory I should be able to create for myself as I am of that older age now to do so. I guess I should just shut up and live through these things which could possible make some positive improvements for myself coming up. But I fear the time and chances of changing and making positive improvements were lost a long time ago and chance are for me this wont happen again knowing my luck.
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