Hello all~

It's been since last Feb since I've visited and posted here. I used to be quite the regular here. Nice to be back, actually.

I seem to have an issue that, I believe, has surfaced since the reconciliation between my hub and I and after he has overcome many, if not most of his personal issues. Which, by the way have completely redirected our marriage into something wonderful...except sexually.

We've been married going on 18 years and have endured quite our fair share of struggles. Since the beginning of our relationship, I'd been the "gap filler", "fixer", "nurturer" for whatever issues that arose for his family.

A quick breakdown: Before our marriage, I was best friends with his wife and him. She tragically died at 35 from a sudden aneurysm, leaving behind H and his 4 kids. I moved in to be caregiver of the kids. One thing lead to another and he and I became emotionally involved. We married a year later. We had a daughter between us. Soon afterwards our issues began to slowly emerge, one after another.
I don't want to make it sound as though all of our struggles were caused by only his issues, as I had my own, as well, but the roots to our serious problems stemmed from his personal struggles, for whatever the reasons. For years, I did my best to compensate and make good of it, usually setting my needs aside for the sake of him and his kids.

I endured about 15 years of emotional and psychological abuse and a few encounters of physical abuse. Right around our 11th year I began to emotionally shut down. Recognizing this, I pleaded with my H to help me to prevent that from happening. I asked that we seek counseling to guide us in preventing further complications between us. He was completely against it.
It was during this period of time that I lost 'desire' for sex, but tolerated providing for my H just to try and prevent further drama.
I later gave in to all the years of abuse and encountered a mental meltdown & severe depression, completely removing me from all sense of reality. I moved out of bedroom and into the living room. I got so bad that I no longer cared if my daughter (then 10) even went to school.
One thing lead to another and we had to move. We had nowhere to go at that time, so we moved in with my brother for a year until we got back on our feet. Throughout most of that time I remained emotionally removed from anything of importance. I merely 'existed'...went through the basic motions focused primarily on my daughter's needs.
We later found a place and moved. I spent about a year after that just getting by, struggling with my severe depression and deep denial.
At some point, for some reason, (and I can only thank God for this), I "woke up". I suddenly decided that I was sick & tired of being so lifeless, so I sought out therapy for myself. I was blessed with a wonderful T who I maintained a year + sessions with.
(All the while through all of this, I had pleaded with H to seek his own therapy for his deepened issues (which stemmed long before he ever knew me) and to please come to terms with himself FOR himself, as I had long since been done trying to fix him. I feared that we were facing separation, if not divorce and I needed his help by attending to himself in order to salvage us). My pleas fell on deafened ears.
Unfortunately, my sessions were of no help with the problems between H and me. In fact, they only seemed to make things worse as I was evolving from a bad situation while he remained steadfast in the past.

Over time, one thing lead to another and into a heated verbal argument (which I NEVER applied attention to. I always merely walked away, physically removing myself so to not face the drama). By ignoring the matter, this time it escalated in him hitting me. My daughter witnessed that and I had no other choice but to involve the police. I didn't want to, but I had to.
We then separated and he was forced to leave. He was charged with domestic violence, sentenced to various penalties, community service, 3 year restraining order and a year of domestic violence classes.

Immediately after the domestic incident and during the course of all the required court visits and anything else relating, I allowed my daughter (16 yrs old) to move to the east coast with family friends so she wouldn't have to deal with any further trauma. (This was the very first time she and I have ever been separated). I then found myself alone in this house.
Just after she left my younger sister of 3 years had a severe stroke, rendering her completely dependent on support. 3 months later, she passed away. My sister and I were very close. We never resided more than 10 miles apart our entire lives.

Despite that I was still seeking personal therapy, I was slipping back into depression. The loss of my marriage, daughter and then sister happened all in few months period.
So, I sought further help through a psychiatrist who prescribed me meds (my first time ever on medication), and enrolled into out-patient group therapy. That really helped me get past the depression, or at least cope with it. I attended that for the full duration of what my insurance coverage allowed (3 months), and 'graduated' that successfully.
Since, I've been removed off of meds entirely and have been off of them for several months now.

Meanwhile, my H was going through some major transformations of his own, which he not only desperately needed, but was all I ever wanted for him..TO be the wonderful man that I knew was within him, but was unable to identify with due to his lack of understanding of himself. What was most important to me was the fact that he discover himself and overcome his demons, whether or not our relationship was salvaged as a result. Besides, I was at the point where I was well beyond caring to fix jack FOR him anymore.

Time passes and we begin to gradually make contact again. I attended to having the 3 year restraining order modified & removed. We slowly begin to build something far more meaningful on a much greater mutual foundation. I saw he was struggling, but this time devoted to self-improvement to the point that eventually emerged a new man.
Since, we've decided to give our marriage another try...attending to things as they surface and putting behind us the things of the past with the understanding that they were merely paths necessary to lead us to our present.
All is good between us. I cannot ask for better. EXCEPT.....I have no desire whatsoever for sex. None. It became like a death in me. I sought thorough medical testing to see if it might be a hormonal thing, or that I'm lacking in chemistry, or whatever. But all tests came back negative.
In fact, I find myself completely removed from any kind of intimate act...even the slightest touch. I find myself immediately pulling back. He's been back home for almost 9 months now and things are terrific, but I'm just now beginning to allow myself to hold his hand.

He is becoming increasingly & gradually persistent in asking for sex. I find it very irritating, but understand that he has needs, so I try to tolerate what has now lead to daily requests.
I've told him that because it has taken about 15 years of my enduring so much psychological abuse that I've ended up rendered emotionless to sex as a result, and it's going to take a very long journey to regain even the slightest hope of desire for it again, which is true. But, I can't help but to ask myself why I find absolutely NO desire for anything relating to intimacy, or sex anymore. It isn't just him that I've built a wall up against, but the concept of it all together.

For me, I'm perfectly good with it how it is. I don't even think about it. But, that is a very selfish mindset to have while in a marriage. I'm so defiant of the idea of sex for me that I've gone so far as to tell my H to find a girlfriend who can provide for his needs and I truly am perfectly good with it. He refuses as he desires me and no one else. Dilemma.

Any insight from any of you? Thanks.
BTW...I apologize for the extent of this post. It's a habit of mine to babble on far too long

Thanks so much for hearing me out

Shangrala