I'm the same way. It's what I'm used to. I don't know how to FEEL any other way. At least I know what to expect. When I do have a good day I'm fearful and don't like the feeling of being alone with myself. I have not enjoyed in so long I forget that it is ok to enjoy. If I have misery at least I'm not alone. Well I am, very very alone. I hope you know what I mean. That sounds weird.