Thanks. Hugs. I hope you guys are going okay.

pdoc and t are happy to keep seeing me after I finish the DBT program even though must people stop seeing their therapists. And I thought the rules where you had to stop. So that's good, I guess?

Saw pdoc today I went in there cuz I needed a med cert. but something happened, she asked questions and I told her things I've never told ANYONE before, things about dad. It felt okay though. It felt safe. She asked about meds again. I think meds would help. I think I should try. But my family. I'm terrified to even bring up the idea and if I didn't tell them and they found out, I don't even want to think about that. Everyone says its my choice, do what's best for me but they are not me they have no idea how scared of my families reaction to this I am.

Today everyone kept staring at me. I hate it. I guess at least today I know why. I have a holter ECG monitor thing on from the cardiologist again. I look like I've escaped from hospital. I hate it. They probably won't find anything anyway. And if they do it'll be because of ODs or something I did.

I'm isolating myself. I know it's a warning sign. But it's safe.

I'm obsessing over my weight and food and exercise again. I should try stabilize things but seeing the number drop is making it so hard. Plus I'm fat so I don't feel right telling anyone just how obsessed I am getting because they'll be happy I'm losing weight.

I just want to run away.

There's so much work for TAFE I have to do but I can't. I can't focus. I really just want to quit.

When will l this end?

I have DBT group tomorrow. I really don't want to go. There's new therapists running it. And there's one girl who I hate. She's being horrible. She went into detail about how her and a friend saw a lady alone at the cinema and how they mocked her and laughed at her and how she tried to sympathize with the lady but couldn't. Since I moved I don't really know anyone and so I had been going by myself even though I was uncomfortable I was getting better. But now I can't. Not after what she said. Even though there was something I really wanted to see. And last week she kept talking about how she'd overdosed on her medication so she couldn't concentrate and then she just started balling her eyes out while I was talking. The whole rest of the group was the therapists talking about her issues. I get the group is to support people and stuff but it's mainly to learn skills. She should have spoken to her individual therapist if she was that upset. And also going on about how you've ODed is against the rules of the group. And I know if I even hinted I'd ODed I would have been made to leave group and go to ED to get assessed physically and mentally. So maybe cuz I have a history of ODing at places like school and stuff they'd react differently but even if she didn't have to go to ED, I still don't think she should have been aloud to sit there and talk about it so much. It triggered me to almost OD after not for ages.

I'm just so sick of everything. I just want to run away and hide. Forever.