Thanks everyone, I know I have vented about this a few times now. But, I can't help it, the situation I have been in tends to bring out some very uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. I sit and think about it to make sure that I am seeing things clearly, because you know, sometimes that can be a challenge when things come bubbling up because some very troubling ghosts have been summoned from the past. Well, for me what those ghosts mean is the many times I was hurt, someone was doing something wrong, and someone was in a position to protect me or speak up for me
and yet it was the "mistakes of these others meant to protect me" that made things worse, so much worse that it really hurt me. And frankly, there were times when "authority figures" and "so called professionals" really let me down. And they all have this strange way of postioning themselves so that there is so little I can do to fight back. And they all say the same thing "don't you trust me?" and it is said with this stange knowledge that the other person knows they messed up but they are not going to let me "point it out", instead I "HAVE TO ACCEPT THEIR MISTAKE" and the game plan is to "move on and get over it". And then there is a point where the truth can be shown too, and they say "SO WHAT, I MADE A MISTAKE, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD CRUCIFY ME", "YOU NEED TO LEARN TO GIVE PEOPLE A BREAK AND GET OVER IT."

I am VERY good at seeing things early on, and I do my best to point it out, talk about it, warn about it, even say that I do not want certain things overlooked because it will cause harm. And every time, I AM IGNORED and I have to sit back and WATCH SOMETHING I WARNED ABOUT THAT IS BAD, HAPPEN ANYWAY. And the one that really suffers is NOT THE PERSON WHO DIDN'T LISTEN, but me. And in my legal case even, it was not only me, IT WAS LIVING ANIMALS I LOVED AND SPENT SO MUCH TIME AND EFFORT ON, AND IT WAS MY DAUGHTER WHOM I SPENT SO MANY HOURS, DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS, YEARS, WORKING SO HARD TO MAKE WHAT SHE HAD HAPPEN. And inspite of my standing up to my neighbor SO MANY TIMES, they just didn't listen and my warnings of what could happen, ALL HAPPENED, AND EVEN WORSE THAN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED.

In spite of the problematic behaivor from my neighbors. When I finally got them to properly contain their dogs, I DID TRY TO BUILD A FRIENDLY RESPECTFUL RELATIONSHIP. Which is basically, ok, someone made a mistake, behaved badly, but try to make ammends and get along right? Well, that doesn't make any difference, and to learn that was VERY COSTLY TO ME. I had been nice and tried to help promote their christmas tree farm and I gave pony rides to try to draw in customers for them. They even got to see how beautiful my ponies were and what a good job I did, I can still remember them constantly remarking on how nice my animals were and they didn't realize it. But that did not change their inability to respect what I had, it really didn't. And my thinking that it ever "could" change was a big mistake.

People constantly tell me, "oh OE, you are so right about me, you know me, yes that is just how I am". Well the same rings true for my ability to sense "bad" in people.
And when I say bad people what I mean are people that have "problems" and their problems may be coming from them having their own challenge of somekind too. Well I see that too, and there is always a part of me that sympathizes with that. And this goes all the way back to my brother who hurt me. I could see that something was wrong with him, but people were punishing him, bullying him, and it made him worse.
I could see how that was going to make it dangerous for me. I felt so sorry for him for how he was treated, and I GAVE INTO HIM in some ways. BUT THAT HURT ME and even today, I cannot confront him about it because I know that that very hurt damaged little boy is still inside of him, AND IT WAS BAD FOR HIM. He has had years of therapy and is a born again Christian too. But I think if he knew how much he hurt me, the fine thread that holds him together as a person healing might break and he might fall into not being able to forgive himself. OR, he might just "dismiss me" altogether too, because that is something he did while we were growing up.

I have had to deal with this issue many times in my life. I have had to learn to manuver around people who actually cause harm because of something that is some kind challenge to them. And they hold a secret of somekind that they will protect, even if it hurts others. And they tend to give themselves permission to maintain an overall ignorance too. There is a constant ebb and flow of an overall sentiment that keeps saying, "try to go along with it, give them their weakness and try to accept and deal with it, try to find ways to "just not let it bother you". There is a strange pool that we all swim in and we are all taught that we have to learn to swim, even when someone else is defective somehow and gets a hold of us while we are trying to swim along in the pool of life. We are suppose to do our best, even though this other person or even system is pulling us down and we can easily drown or even sink to the bottom. If we cant catch our breath and our lungs fill with water and we are coughing and struggling to breath, we are supposed to "just deal" with that too.

I married a binge alcoholic. Well, I didn't see it when I dated him, and I didn't see it in my father, and I didn't see it in others either. I thought it was just something people did, give themselves permission to "tie one on" until they pretty much passed out. I could not understand how anyone could make themselves so vulnerable and incoherent. Well, maybe that came from the fact that from the time I could not even walk, I had to learn how to "be aware" and "find ways to not be vulnerable". When most children were asking about "why is the moon always different somehow" I was asking to the depths of me, "why were other children so mean and picking on my older brother and me"?. Learning about the moon was somewhere in the distance for me, because I had to learn about something even more important, how to survive my troubled brother and domineering sister. And I also saw my parents constantly fighting and there was just always something very troubling and upsetting that could burst on the scene at any moment. And I would be left trying to understand "why" and yet somehow also having to learn how to "self protect" somehow.

My husband? Oh he was never a bad man, he actually has a good heart. But he definitely had a problem. Again his problem was going to "hurt" me. I wanted to love him so much. I worked at putting aside the bad things that happened to me when it came to sex too. I wanted to find a way to enjoy it and make it a part of "loving my husband" too. But "his problem" made that effort very difficult for me to establish. Because I had to learn with him too, that even when he was drunk, even when I didn't want to do it, it was just better giving in because that would end him constantly pursuing me all night long. So it wasn't really any different from the bad that happened before, no I didn't feel safe with it, it was not something I could do and be happy and safe with it like I wanted it to be. Yet, somewhere in there, my husband was a good man, but he had something wrong with him and I had to manage to learn how to look beyond that. I had to do this thing call "forgive". And I really WANTED to but it never changed how that hurt got stored inside some corner of my mind that always seemed to warn me and say "remember, it may not be safe, it may hurt you".

Well, I am married still and my husband does work hard. I do see him trying and somehow I should be so grateful for that. But I do see his "problems" still and I have to work around them. I do see him trying to make amends as well. But he doesn't remember a lot of it because he was "blacked out". And there is this strange denial that goes on with that, kinda like "oh now you are making more of it than it was".
And there is also this deep hurt I have had where I have to hold it in because if I say how much it hurts, it might make him feel so guilty somehow and that could lead to him becoming hard on himself and then he might not be able to keep working hard and keeping up with the good he is doing inspite of the bad and wrong he did in the past.

I did try to again get intimate with my husband. I had a child that I REALLY LOVED and I wanted to learn how to do this thing called "forgive". And no sooner did I accomplish some of that kind of bond again was I to discover that not only did my husband drink and lie and manupulate me psychologically that way, and even put everything we had, our home etc at risk? He also cheated on me with women that also did drugs an had many different sex partners. Again I am required to try to do this thing called "forgive". And I had a young daughter that looked up at me in tears hoping that by some miracle I could try to keep our family together.

So, I tried to do that and it was a lot of work and a lot of praying too. And I had to keep in the forefront of my mind that my husband was a good man that had a problem, they call it a disease now. And he was trying to fight that disease. And me? Well, it became obvious how much that hurt me when I could not even be touched by a OBGYN to make sure I didn't have any STD's by being exposed to my husband being with women who drugged and had many sex partners.

Honestly? I am now so badly hurt by that experience and my past that I can no longer find my way to being intimate. Even if I try to push real hard to try, my body is so sensitive now that the desire to run in fear is very intense. I cannot seem to find a corner of my mind that can feel safe with that experience. And I feel like I am a failure that I cannot seem to find that path now. And I feel guilty because my husband is "trying so hard" and "he is a nice man" and "I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THAT SOMEHOW AND APPRECIATE THAT AND FORGIVE AND FORGET AND MOVE ON AND BE ABLE TO BE INTIMATE AGAIN AND FIND A WAY TO TRUST AGAIN. And so I kinda hide it or push the hurt somewhere because I SHOULD BE OVER IT BY NOW.

And remember what mother says, "we have to learn to accept others for what they are and learn to live around their faults". And she has another saying too, "I don't let people get too close to me because I have learned that at some point they hurt me".

I had some real challenges in my marriage and my own little family. And I found a way to have my own little business that I could do around a husband that worked two jobs and when he had a night off, he went to AA meetings. And sometimes he would have time to be with me and his daughter. And to be honest, I like that he was always busy because when I am alone with him, I have to struggle with loving him and yet not being able to be intimate. And for YEARS I had to find a way to hide from him, HOW MUCH HE RUINED THAT ABILITY IN ME. Because if I did tell him? He might fall off the wagon or god knows what.

And in therapy, once I got past this feeling that if I OPENED THE GATES TO THE TRUTH ABOUT MY TROUBLED PAST, that I would be BETRAYING my family, my husband and all the people I AM SUPPOSED TO LOVE AND PROTECT SOMEHOW.
Words cannot adaquately discribe how hard it is to give one's self the permission to finally say, I GOT HURT IN MY PAST, BAD THINGS HAPPENED, and THAT MUST MEAN I AM SOMEHOW BAD OR UNGRATEFUL OR MAYBE NO ONE WILL BELIEVE THAT IT HAPPENED TO ME. Maybe no one will understand that I gave in to doing some bad things because it was the ONLY WAY I could find a way to "feel safe" somehow. Could others understand that? Could others understand how I looked at some very troubling situations? Could others be able to see how I did it so I could at least find a way to have a way to my own right to pursue some kind of happiness? And if I talk about what HURTS ME, MAKES ME ANGRY, MAKES ME FEEL UNSAFE SOMEHOW, are others going to just tell me that I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO "FORGIVE" AND "MOVE ON"? Because I tried to do that many times but I just could not seem to do it to the depths of me. The only thing I could do is learn to ACT LIKE I FORGAVE TO THOSE THAT HURT ME.

A pony, WOW, what did a pony mean to me in my life? How can I possibly describe what A PONY TO ME MEANS. Well, I have in my family room a pony that I had as a child. He was a very comforting toy to me. His name is squeeky because if you squeeze him he squeeks. And then I had a lot of stuffed animals, my mom knew I loved stuffed animals so I got a lot of them. And at night I put them all around me and to me what that meant was that somehow they all knew that I loved and cherrished them and that meant that when they were placed around me while I slept, they would love me back. And at night while I slept, I would have my "friends" around me to comfort me.

When things were bad, and that trip on the school bus everyday was so bad and never seemed to have an end in sight? And my mother worked and I had to get off the bus knowing that I had to find a way to get away from my older brother? I got a live pony. And it took me time to be able to ride that pony because he bucked me off. But I can't say how much that pony was SO SPECIAL. I did learn how to stay on him, even keep him from bucking me off. And I tied him out front so the kids on the bus could see him. And they STOPPED MAKING FUN OF ME because I had something special and they wanted me to let them touch it too. AND ALL DAY LONG ALL I THOUGHT ABOUT IN SCHOOL WAS THIS SPECIAL LIVE FRIEND I had at home. And I would get off the bus and I would jump on him AWAY, AWAY, AWAY FROM MY BROTHER AND ALL THE HARM HE COULD CAUSE ME. No more running to the tall evergreens that I used to climb and wait until mom got home. No, now I had something that I could hug that was alive and could really take me away and I could have fun and even adventures in the woods up the road from our home.

And when it was such a struggle with my husband and dealing with my marriage etc.
Again a pony came into my life, a pony I had bought for my daughter was also going to become a rescue for me in way I never dreamed could be.

One night I had an idea pop into my head and that idea was to start my own business and share this pony with lots of other children at their birthday parties. Well, everyone talked about the risks and liability and negetives. But that time my husband could see the idea. And I began my journey. And it was great because I could do that around pretty much being alone raising my daughter too. OE could have something of her own to build, her own little pursuit of happiness to build on.

And I did build it and got more ponies and it grew and I taught children how to ride my ponies and I also kept my daughter doing the same, having ponies and horses and adventures learning all about them and how to ride them and grow. And that was great because when people around (a coleader in a browine troop I had passed it around) learned I was married to an alcoholic they would not have their daughters in my GS troop or be friends with my daughter. So I gave her what I had, something to fill that gap and build a live with inspite of what other people did that was mean.

I loved every pony I had that helped me in my business. The all were helping me have my right to my pursuit of happiness. Every one of them meant so much to me and they really did know that I loved and appreciated them. And my daughter learned how to appreciate and love them too. And any child that was exposed to this enviorment and my animals also learned this too. It was a meaningful oasis and it did make a difference in not only my life but the lives of so many children and even my own little family. Even my own husband had his white pony that he loved and shared with so many children. I cannot even express in words how much therapy and psychological well being that presented. My husband at one time wanted to pursue special ed, and work with children, he went to college for that. So this white pony filled that desire in him and it made such a big difference in how he felt about himself, his sobriety and life.

WHY DID ALL OF THE HAVE TO BE DESTROYED? I didn't have my pyschological damage be a part of my case. I didn't want my neighbor to get pemission to know about my CSA and troubled history because he was negligent and failed to fix his broken fence and allow his dog to run my horses at night while I was sleeping.

I didn't know how to put all my emotions at ease either. I slept every night with my LIVE ANIMALS JUST OUTSIDE, LOVE AROUND ME. And I feel like I failed them because I didn't understand that they were being frightened and hurt.

I meet with my attorney who IS OLD NOW and when I sit across from him he shakes so bad he cant even grab a piece of paper. He is short tempered, admitedly forgetful, and yet he keeps saying he is a smart as a whip. He doesn't want to hear how hurt I am, even when I told him last year that him forgetting depositions was hurting me and to please get it done. And sitting in the first half of my deposition, by the end I was asked "which one got hurt the most". I stared down at a diagram and just saw them all in a flashback and I could not stop crying and I could not speak. And they stopped the deposition and somehow I know that I have to pick up where I left off?
I still can't answer that question really. And it is now almost two years that I have been kept suspended with that question and cannot answer it because my attorney forgets and now I feel the opposing side is just as frustrated with my attorney as I am. And I cannot even approach them to discuss it.

My attorney says the opposing attoney is a "betch", well, I have had my own issues/struggles with my attorney so I can't help but wonder if she is justified in her frustration with him. And somehow I have to "just deal"? And all along my attorney has made me feel like what I had was "not worth much". My neighbor has continued to disrespect me. And no one understands this PTSD that I really struggle with.

I never felt I was above ANYONE in my life. All I ever wanted was my right to my own little pursuit to happiness. And when my attorney says that winning my case will not be like winning powerball? WOW, that statement only seals the fact that he JUST DOESN'T GET ME AT ALL.

Open Eyes