Lately I've been wondering if I should try to go on meds. I've been dealing with mild to moderate depression for years, and it's increased in the past few months because of my sister's newborn son dying and the subsequent freak out on my mother's part (screaming at me and my sister about petty things just days after the infant's death). Plus added onto that are financial issues.

I'm filled with not only depression but anger as well, plus I've dealt with general anxiety since I was about 19/20 (5-6 years). I've been physically ill with stress and I've developed red splotches on my neck. I'm fantasizing about self-harm, which I have a history of but haven't acted on since like 2008 at the request of my significant other.

I'm scared to go on meds since the last time I did it escalated within a couple weeks to the only time I've ever seriously contemplated suicide. It completely pushed me over the edge to the point where I was sitting in the bathroom at work ready to end it (don't want to give details). Then I was so terrified of the medicine that I stopped cold turkey, which put me in a catatonic state for a few days. And this was just a small daily dosage of anti-depressant medication. My Dr. was willing to give me an even smaller dosage but I was too scared.

With how I've been feeling recently, I'm starting to think that I do need medicine or to be committed for a few days or something. I feel like something drastic has to be done.

I'm just at a loss for what to do.