Rose, when you talked about how you thought you saw your mother in her beemer and how much it triggered you? I know exactly what that feels like. I feel that way every time I hear my attorney's voice or sit across form him or interact with him.
He probably has a beemer too or some thing that has the same value that says, I am the best see what I have? If you don't have this then you are worthless and some kind of weak failure or unworthy of an audience of any measure of worth. And the only thing my attorney wants to focus on in my case is the "one designer piece I had that was badly damaged".

What about the little pony that to me was worth so much more, that saved my life in so many ways, that made so much possible? No, she was just an older pony we can't focus on that at all. But every day for many days since that final stare she gave me that told me that she knew she was dying, and she was afraid and somehow she felt she was letting me down too? I CAN'T GET THAT MOMENT OUT OF MY MIND.

Everyone asks me if I ride and teach etc. But I don't know how to do that anymore, I don't want to let myself fall in love like that again, it HURTS TOO MUCH WHEN IT IS SO UNFAIRLY TAKEN AWAY. It hurts too much when I sit across from an old forgetful lawyer and he doesn't see or respect it.

Since I have been touching and looking at all these papers again, I see them all and how they were hurt and I GET SO ANGRY and YET SO INCREDIBLY SAD TOO. Now I know why it has been so hard for me to just touch all these papers. Since I have been touching them this past week I am angry and snappy and crying and lost and tired and ill. I remember not having enough money to have each of them be throughly examined by a vet. I had to wait it out and do it piece meal and hope that they would somehow recover. I remember calling the insurance company and telling them I had too many injuries and not enough funds, and how they told me that my neigbors were a nice family and "how could I do this to them?". No one would listen to me, no one and they are not listening now either.

I have to find a way to "not feel" and it is VERY HARD. Oh, I don't know how to not be "human". I think I never quite learned how to do that. But I am reminded that if I can't learn how to do that? I could be a bad witness. That because I am not sueing for personal damages, I have to not let myself express that damage. I have in many ways had to learn how not to let that damage be expressed all my life. Well, at least my friends here know what that challenge is like. At least I can have access to others that understand that challenge.

Every day I tell myself that what I have to remember is that I DO struggle with something that is real called PTSD. And this something is not something others can respect or even begin to understand. It is not my fault that I have it either. It is something that has been a challenge for "me" to understand.
And while I continue to struggle and learn how to become stronger in a different way, well there are just things I have not learned to do "yet" to help myself deal with it better and be ok with who I am and that yes, I AM A SENSITIVE PERSON and I DO LOVE TO THE DEPTHS OF ME, and it is ok to be that kind of person. I just keep working at this one day at a time. And yes, I am going to have some very difficult days while I am wraped in a system that doesn't really respect, "emotions" unless those emotions are being put up for a "dollar sign" somehow. Yes, unfortunately someone can invade my life and destroy so much of me, and when they do that they get to know every part of how I have been hurt other times in my life as well. And that can become "public" knowledge as well. And I already know what happens when people know you have something going on in your life that makes you "not perfect" somehow. They shun you and deem you damaged goods, something to avoid. And that information can be used as a stick to beat you with, in so many ways. If someone does you wrong? They go right for that stick and call you crazy and that you are just taking it out on them and that "they" are the innocent one.

No matter how angry I get at my attorney, I have to know that he has that stick, he has my medical file and the misdiagnoses along with the knowledge that I was molested by my brother. And my GP brings that record up EVERY TIME I SEE HIM and he treats me differently too. Even my husband, he finds a way to lessen his own guilt and has said that the reason I struggled with him was because of what my brother did to me. And my sister does the same thing. And when my attorney makes a mistake, HE DOES TWIST THINGS to make it look like I AM THE TROUBLED ONE. He uses that and when he failed to remember those depositions he didn't appologize to me, he appologized to my husband, and the overall sentiment was "I know your wife has issues and we have to work around them". When people find out these hidden hurts and pain, they don't respect it, they covet it and use is as a way to empower themselves.

When people "hide" the bad things that happened to them in their childhoods, when they hide what goes on behind closed doors in families that are "not perfect" they do this for a reason. THE TRUTH ABOUT PEOPLE'S WEAKNESSES ARE USED AGAINST THEM and it "hurts their image and illusion of being STRONG and deserving of RESPECT.

This is exactly why people like Sandusky get away with abusing children. This is why so many victims DON'T TELL. And this is exactly why that College that knew Sandusky was a risk protected him anyway.
Because it would "hurt" the reputation of that college and all of those that kept that secret. And those victims that came forward to finally expose Sandusky for the monster that he was? That took a lot of courage because now those people will have something about them for the rest of their lives that will expose them to "not being perfect or that they are weak somehow". Whenever something hidden like this is let out, it forever leaves that person in a very exposed state of exisitance where it can be used against them.

And my neighbor? Would his knowing my personal history make him respect me? No, that is not what he would do with that, he would say, "she is nuts and anyone who even looks at her wrong is someone like her brother, I can't help it if is she is like that". My past would be used to beat me up and people would use it to say I am just crazy so they can get away with their trespasses on me. I have already seen this happen.
I did not know that my medical file was going to show my utterance of how what my brother did to me was overcome by what was so badly damaged. I was trying to explain to a therapist why the damage to my horses and ponies had such a profound effect on me. I did not know how my effort to explain that was going to be something my attorney would see, something my neighbor could see if I sued for emotional damage. I was in a state of shock, I didn't mean to let that out, I wish I had not uttered that.

Open Eyes