im a 16 year old male, i have a family history of depression, in fact my grandpa was hospitalized for years and eventually commited suicide (this scares me itself, i inherited alot from him), i'm currently on no meds, im physically healthy, a skateboarder, i have alot of friends, but something is not right.

for as long as i can remember iv had "something" wrong with me, the problem is im not quite sure what that "something" truly is.

my parents got divorced when i was 7, that was pretty hard on me. I remember having traumatic anxiety. i would vomit half the days i went to school, and most of the time i visited my dad. i eventually "grew out of this"

when i was 13 or so i remember feeling "different," and "out of it" most of the time. i went to the doctor and was diagnosed with mono, i was bedridden for months and began over thinking things. i had this strange fear that life "wasn't real" or confusion towards the strangest things such as "how it possible my hand moves" and weird things i dont entirely remember. i wasn't convinced of anything bad, just had these feelings and thoughts i would obsess about that either caused or i interpreted through anxiety/depression and what i believe to be depersonalization. I remember going to a basketball game and randomly becoming extremely lightheaded and feeling like i was looking over myself. it was extremely scary. a few months later i was back to my "normal self." i took zoloft which i don't think helped. i eventually stopped and dont want to be on any anti-depressents again.

for as long as i can remember my "normal self" has always held this weird area in my head that my mental issues sit. I'm not sure what those exactly are. But i just feel for most days as long as i can remember i will sometimes feel somewhat crazy, anxious, out of it, confused, depressed, disconnected or somehow be reminded that something is wrong, even without physical symptoms.

I've just figured i was more intelligent and in touch with my feelings then most people. i learned to just live with it, and generally be happy. But anytime i feel anything out of touch with my body, i think about that area in my brain and feel crazy.

i started smoking marijuana last year, became a daily user this summer. i have done my research and feel like it was generally helping my issues. whenever i felt "out of it" i blamed it on the drug and that was that. My appetite has dissapeared recently and caused me to take a break from smoking. i havn't smoked in a few days and have been feeling very bad. I could smoke this second if i wanted, but i don't want to be dependent or doing myself harm. is this the drug making me feel this way? i randomly feel depressed. last night i spent 6 hours just researching mental illnesses and my symptoms and im not sure what to believe. i've came across everything and just feel like a mess. i tried watching tv to calm down but couldn't even concentrate whatsoever. my brain was just racing with confusing random thoughts and i felt like i was on the verge of insanity with hopelessness filling myself. i went upstairs and tried just blocking out all thoughts and that made me feel pretty great for a while, then it crept back up on me. the only physical symptom associated was sweating, which makes me feel it wasn't a panic attack. but what was it then? iv been feeling guilty to, trying to be nice and considerate to avoid this feeling. i feel like im just living in my head. no matter what im doing my thoughts are revolving around me feeling "out of it" or "something is wrong" im feeling numb. I always get days like this but never let them stop me from daily activities. My family and friends are unaware of anything because i can act completely normal, even when feeling down and out. at the same time, i kind of feel normal. if i distract myself i feel completely normal, but it always comes back here and there. I'm getting tired of this and have been just obsessing and trying to put an end to it which is just making everything worse the last few days. i woke up this morning feeling eerily different with everything related to this on my mind and just want to sleep it away today. i feel like im on a never ending rollercoaster, my thoughts are changing alot, last night i thought i had cancer at one point. is this just general anxiety or depression? and this is how my mind copes with it? i scored a 62 on the sanity quiz, with phobias being the area of concern. my only phobia is just this general problem. i feed off it. my life is perfect right now but my anxiety fuels itself. i worry about just the anxiety and my sanity and that fuels anxiety symptoms. When something goes wrong in my life i can handle the stress. but the stress of my general issue is way beyond me.

my only physical symptoms are nausea, a dull feeling in my stomach, and me not being hungry. ill randomly feel these to more extremes along with confusing racing thoughts and sweating. im mostly just haunted by my thoughts and mental discomforts rather then physical. could that be depression? and these thoughts are me trying to break it down? i do not want to die and have never seriously thought about suicide.

how can i stop thinking this way? is this from my early childhood or a neurological disorder? the worst part is that there are so many potential reasons im feeling like this. hormones? what is wrong with me? what should i do? If possible i want to avoid having to tell anybody, i want to handle this on my own as i feel that will be the best for many reasons. (maybe im just scared of not being cured like my grandpa) im only 16 and don't want to live like this forever. im a very busy person and am occupied with friends and skateboarding EVERYDAY, im very desperate and just felt like venting and hoping for support. THANK YOU to anyone who took the time to read this .