Trigger for mentions of sui....






I know I should call my T, but I really, really don't want to. I keep telling myself, "if I still feel like this tomorrow, then I'll call T," and then the next day, I say the same thing. Maybe I'll just keep putting it off until my next appointment in 10 days.

I've just been feeling so very low, and thinking about sui again. It's a scary place to be. I don't think I actually want to do anything, but at the same time I can't shake the thoughts. Of course, just last week, I was able to tell my T that I was most definitely NOT suicidal, and hadn't been for a good long while...and yet, here I am, just a few days later, and it's constantly on my mind.

A friend of mine killed herself a few weeks ago...and my mother asked me about it over the weekend. It was very triggering for me. She didn't ask me how I was...she asked me how my friend's Mom was doing. It hurt, and it was upsetting, and it made me feel so worthless. And now, memories of my brother's death, and my friend's, and my attempts, are all looping in my head, and it just hurts so much. I just want everything to stop. But, I won't do anything...I won't. I have things to live for. I have long term plans that I don't want to give up. I guess I just need to hold on to that for now.