I am very glad to hear that you won't do anything. But I also know that's only part of the battle... even when I KNOW I won't do anything, it doesn't take away the thoughts, the sadness, the pain.

Definitely hold onto your reasons to keep going. And remember all the times you felt bad before, and *that you came out of them*. They DID end at some point.

It would be nice, though, if you could feel better more presently. Don't put off calling your T. You have a lot going on in your head, and the sooner you can get a little relief by telling T about it, the better. This isn't just about whether you "do" or you "don't", if you know what I am trying to say... it's about how awful the experience of having these feelings is. It's a big deal, and you deserve to feel better as soon as possible -- not later.

Do you know why you keep putting it off? Is it about not wanting to deal with it, or not feeling like it's important enough, or feeling weird about having just said you're not suicidal? Or something else, just depression keeping you from reaching out?