Today is my little girls birthday. She is 5 years old. She is a beautyful, healthy, blond haired blue eyed cuttie. But I suffered from postpartum depression when she was born. I feel like I missed so much because I was not well. I had her after my boys were older. Not way older but 8 and 10. My H and I were not getting along so he didn't support the pregnancy. Then it turned out to be a little girl. I was alone and scared. When the baby got here I was even more alone and scared. I dreaded night fall. She had colic and cryed all the time. We went threw 3 vibrating bouncers in 9 mo. and burnt up the motors in 2 swings. But they did help.

I should have remembered this sweet little baby. I should remember her sleeping and yawning and doing the things babys do. Instead I remember dressing her like a boy just so I could deal with another baby. She had a name on her birth certificate but I called her baby, the baby , that baby like she had no name. It hurts me to this day to know I could not love her enough to even call her by her name. I was left at home with 3 kids and a colic baby and no one would believe she had colic. My H was insensitive and would not help. He would burst into the room and wake her up. All I could do was set and cry while she cryed. Even when she was not crying I would cry.

Eventually I got on Zoloft. That helped so much but after talking to the T she told me she was so suprised they gave me that because I didn't have just postpartum depression I had severe depression as well and panic attacks on top of that. But the dosage was increased so quickly that it did end up doing the trick. I don't remember anything good about my baby until she was 6-8 mo. old. I just lost so much time. Now that time is gone and like I said it hurts me still today 5 years later to know I delayed medication and missed that part of my baby's life.

So in hind sight if you think you have postpartum depression seek help right away. You can never get back the time you miss with a new baby. Any ideas how to reclaim some positive memories, if there is a way.