Trigger warning about self-injury, the word satan, blood, etc.

I am home from the ER, my 16 yr old son has bpI. He has been refusing his meds - lithium and xanax. He left and didn't come home last night. He called me at 2:30am wasted on alcohol. I went to town to pick him up. He had 2 new homeless friends to bring home, I said no. He came home with me and got into it with his sister, she's 18, he wanted her cigarettes, she didnt have any. On the car ride home he was screaming about satan is me, satan is lord. He's never gone on a satan trip before. Then at home, he began his destruction of the walls and doors, then he got a knife cut up his arms, the outsides, 39 lateral cuts on one arm, I counted them while he slept in the ER. He threatened me and my other 2 children with the knife. I tried to talk him down, called police when he wasn't looking. There was blood everywhere, he was smearing it on the walls and smearing it on me, telling me something for me to remember of him for after he's gone.

As soon as he was in the cop car, he was crying and apologizing. He hugged me when he left the ER tonight to get transferred to the nearest childrens BHU, which is an hour away. But he's very mad at me for calling the police, was calling me names like I'm a stupid *****, *****. And this is I think the 6th hospitalization in the past year. It is one nightmare after the other.
I don't know how we're going to make it through this. I don't know how I've made it through the past 5 years of this sickness with him, along with my own sickness. I should feel lucky we're alive today, but I'm not, I am exhausted.

I refuse to let cps take him like they wanted to last time I called police. They will throw him in some group home where he will not get adequate medical care and supervision. I do have some fight in me left.