Sorry I haven't been here to read everyone's posts. I worked all day yesterday then crashed out at home. This morning I fired my therapist so am a wee bit dazed right now. I wonder if I am just throwing a fit or if I truely think it was a good idea to call him up and tell him I am ending our association and today's incident in his office just confirms the decision I have been in the process of making for the last month. Sigh. I feel so odd.

Here is what happened and it sounds so petty I know. I went into his office for my appointment and the secretary said (with hip cocked, arms crossed and a look of attitude on her face) that she called me an left a message cancelling the appointment because Dan is out of the office today. I simply told her I didn't get the message and she doesn't say sorry or show any compassion she just says something to the affect of "well, I left a message." Then she asks in the same tone of voice if I want to schedule another appointment. I said no, I don't think so and walked out.

I am not sure what was going on with her but it pissed me off. Why would she be giving me attitude over a simple mistake of not getting a message and coming in when Dan is out of the office? Then I started thinking about it and wondered why Dan didn't have the deciency to call me himself to cancel the appointment. I thought that maybe it was because something bad happened and he didn't have the peace of mind to be able to do so then I remembered that he has never taken the time to call his patients even if the reason is for a conference or something. I think that is rather rude. Then I started thinking about the fact that I can only think of 3 times in the last 3 1/2 years that I have left that office feeling OK. Any contact with him, his receptionist and billing people leave me with the desire to inflict greivious bodily harm on myself. I began to think about how this doesn't seem like the most healthy relationship. I started thinking about how if it was any other relationship I was talking to him about he would have said it was a toxic relationship and that it may be better if I didn't continue it. But I have always given him the benefit of the doubt because we are digging up pain and anger while I am there. But isn't it also his responisibility to try to get me back into a safe place before I leave? Is it acting out to take the trash to the curb if you don't want that kind of garbage in your life anymore?
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft