Hey guys,
I was diagnosised as BP1 nearly 2 years ago. Having had some major manic episodes. Recently I have been thinking and I have came to the conclusion my last "manic" episode was this time last year. But during that time I had stopped taking my medication. So technically that was my fault. Yes I have been delusional, had some psychosis and have had paranoia. But overall I have been feeling "normal" for a better word.
I feel I am a fraud as I am "fine" to the naked eye. I get embarrassed when talking to family who ask how I am and I say I am fine and then I wonder if they think I am pretending to be ill? I am not working at the moment and I guess I really should be. I am able to hold down a job well I have done in the past. I have never been hospitalised for my disorder nor I have been in any major dangers. Ye I feel suicidal and self harm from time to time. I do have depression but I think it all stems from not having a job and structure. I am doing activities to keep me going but I just feel like a fraud.
I am receiving benefits which I don't like as I have never been on benefits before and feel like a fraud for taking the governments money. Ok I admit the free bus pass is a God send. I don't know how to go about de-claiming benefits and will I look like an idiot for doing so?
I know I do suffer a lot inside and I can hide it well so people just think I am fine anyways. But I just feel like a fraud.
Sorry if this sounds like utter nonesense to you guys!!