My dad and stepmom are here, again, visiting from the east coast. I have two stepbrothers who live here - one lives a few blocks away; the other lives about an hour away. The further one has an adorable 5 year old son, who is the main reason my stepmom comes out to visit as often as she does.

As many of you know, I do NOT get along well with my dad, who has traditionally been extremely rude and resentful towards my husband. So, normally I get very nervous and anxious before and during their visits. This time, though, all has been fine with my dad. This time... I am getting really tired of my *stepmom's* pattern to drop whatever plans she has with me if "something better" comes along. She doesn't exactly use those words, but that's the effect. My two stepbrothers are not really the types to schedule anything or make any plans ahead of time, and, I don't know, maybe because I have a bigger struggle with my parents than they do, but it really helps me to have at least some general plans set up ahead of time so that I can get myself emotionally prepared to deal with my parents... knowing when I have to build up my strength and when I can just relax and not deal with them. So when they come out to visit, I try to schedule a few days for family dinners or things to do. The pattern is, though, that if either of my stepbrothers come along and make a last-minute offer to take my stepmom to do something (added points if it has anything to do with the grandson), she drops me like a hot potato.

Don't get me wrong -- I would probably do the same thing in her shoes. And my stepbrothers really aren't doing anything wrong either -- I have no problems with THEM, and certainly no issue with my nephew (he's really cool - I'd prefer to hang out with him instead of anyone else, too). What I don't like is that "I'll hang out with Lee Ann unless something better comes along" pattern. I tried to have a talk with her about it last night, but it turned into her storming and crying and yelling at me that I'm inflexible and that it's not my stepbrothers' faults if schedules change at the last minute and that I really need to learn how to communicate with my stepbrothers better.

So fine - the problem is that I'm inflexible. Great.

My last words on the subject were that if she really would just rather spend time with them when the opportunity arises, then that's what we should just openly state. Stop pretending that I get equal treatment but she "HAS to babysit" at the last minute, or "this is the ONLY night that".. (fill in the stepbrother and reason she has to drop plans with me). Let's just say from the get-go that we can make tentative plans, but she reserves the right to cancel or change them on me at the last minute to accommodate her sons and grandson. Just be honest that I play second-fiddle, and stop pretending that this relationship is equal, because it's not.

I know that I'm acting like a jealous 10 year old. I can identify the feelings, and I can intellectualize how I *should* behave, react, and feel. I can have an have had a direct discussion with her about my feelings. I just don't know how to emotionally prepare myself whenever the inevitable next visit comes around. It's stressful enough that they are coming, and I feel like I'm dodging bullets the entire time they are here, with never knowing what to expect.

Thanks for listening