Tinkerbell,

There is nothing wrong with coming and sharing your struggle. When someone is grieving they need that from time to time. It takes a long time to process the loss of a family member. And we never really stop missing that person. It really is important to allow yourself to let go of any guilt. You WERE there in her last moments and you know what? Some people wait for that so they can finally let go and be at peace. Yes, she may have been groggy etc, but a mother knows the essence of her children beyond that state your mother was in.

Some day, just pick a flower or buy a small bunch and take a drive to a river or a lake and talk to you mother, tell her you love her and miss her and place the flower in the lake to travel along to her spirit. You can always express your love for her anytime that way.

I personally believe that it is only the body that dies, the essense/spirit just get released and moves on. So your mother's essence is still there and you can tell her anytime how much you miss and love her.

And as far as your daughter is concerned? You are going to have a challenge, yes, but be thankful that you live in a time where there is help for this and they are still studying it so you can learn about what it means and how to be a good mother to her.
I know that this condition is not new, and there have been times where parents did blame themselves and didn't have help with children that struggled with autism etc.

Try to think of the glass half full, and not half empty.

(((Hugs)))

Open Eyes