so in T today we actually ended up talking about my grandfather. i told her about how the mother was angry with me because i didn't care that he was dead.my T asked me more about this and i told her i didn't have any reaction at all about him dying.she asked me how old i was and i thought about it and couldn't remember but i guessed i was in school so thought i was about 7 or 8.she said i was young and children of that age doesn't understand the concept of death and the mother interrupted this understanding by making it all about her. i kind of accepted it.but tonight i was curious about how old i really was and remembered i had my grandmothers bible with all the dates in it .as it turns out i wasn't 7 or 8 but i was 13 years old.i am kind of freaking.13 is old enough to understand death.i now fear that i was already dead inside at this age and didn't have the capacity to care about someone i cared about dying.i had already shut out any emotions i may have ever had . i wish i could tell my T this but i wont because of many reasons.i don't think she will believe me that i felt nothing so why bother telling her,i don't want her to think i lied about it to begin with. I'm scared to deal with that time in my life and how i was.etc..... I'm kind of freaked out.this conversation was not a big deal i was just sharing something about my life in a way i thought it was something nice because i loved my grandfather.I'm confused.maybe i shouldn't care but am freaking out about not even feeling anything at that age.