People respond differently to deaths, including children and 13 year olds. Maybe the death was too painful for you so you dissociated it? Just a thought. Any way you felt then is okay. We don't choose our feelings. You might have been afraid, depressed, in a stage of grieving, anything really. Think if this was happening to another 13 you know, what would you think of her? You are doing great working through difficult memories. Such courage! TAke care.