Forgive me for rambling, I'm on my phone and I can't sleep. I think I'm going to bring this stuff up in therapy on Friday, but I don't know if I'm ready to work on this yet. I know it will be emotional and painful. I just think I need to type some of this out.
...
I cut my mother out of my life in April. I have background posted on another forum, but I don't know if I'm allowed to link it.
....
My mother was neglectful and allowed my stepfather to abuse me. I don't really want to type it all out. I'm just feeling sad and I'm hurting because I didn't get a loving mother. I didn't get a mother that guided me and taught me how to be an adult. She didn't teach me anything. I think she loved being married more than she loved her kids. It's not fair, dammit! Where the hell was she when I was 8 and pulling out my hair in clumps? Where was she when I was cutting myself damn near daily? Why didn't she take me to the hospital when I broke my ankle? Why didn't she care when I had my suicide attempt in 2002? She visited me and brought me cigarettes, but she acted like nothing happened when I got out. WTF. I hate her. I ****ing hate her. Once I would have said that she ruined my life. I like to think that it's a sign that I have healed and matured a little because I no longer think that is true. No, she did not ruin my life because my life is not "ruined", but she did make it a hell of a lot harder.
....
I don't think I am a very good mother to my son and daughter, but at least I get them help when they need it. I tell them I love them every day, multiple times a day. I don't want them to ever doubt my love for them. Why didn't my mother love me?

.....
I never want to speak to her again and I don't plan to, but sometimes I wish I could make her hurt like she has hurt me. My father is useless and cut off as well, but the hurt he has caused doesn't cut so deep. I feel like an orphan although both of my parents still live.