sometimes I have walked away from my computer and had this brain snap enough to walk into the wall. I quickly study my path and it appears I imagined my door has suddenly moved!...after 2 years in this room I misplaced a casual engineering formality?...a domestic fact!....

but run flat out into the wall....contorted and exceptional


I find I am integrated!....consumed....and this is absurd! especially for the borderline the toxicity of intimacy on any level and it's uniquely horrifying to get so close to PEOPLE and yet not be but still be...(hence...wtf?)

I can't work it out I want in I want out I want to run I am having an impossible time with this I have to distance myself from this experience...but I keep coming back?

I have no effing clue if anyone else finds it as difficult as I do on here...it's hard enough everywhere else and I thought anonymous was safe but I HATE anonymous it makes me feel extra-un-identified and thats asking for borderline trouble...



damn it I don't know....?

it's full-on to care more about others than yourself and yet be a selfish asshole at the same time and such is the computer world it's selfishly unreal but it's real people.

James