Sorry I haven't posted in a while just needed to get this out.

So I had a session today. Started off pretty slow, nice walk. We talked about me applying for my recent EMT job and how that went. Then it went quiet. Sorry the next part is in pieces. I was dissociating. I asked if he was frustrated with me and he said yes. He said that I always turn upset and down and depressed no matter how positive things are going in my life. He said that I can leave session feeling good and within hours I'm feeling down. He said I'm too intense with my feelings and he doesn't know how to fix this. He wants to help but he doesn't know how to make me feel better. He says no matter how much he tells me the positives it doesn't stick.

After that he stopped in bagel store and when he was waiting for his bagel he took one look at me and said something like I've just lost you.

Then he brought me back to the office and he said he wasn't talking until I talked first because he talked all session. I said I can't tell you what I'm thinking but I can tell you what I'm feeling. He was like okay what are you feeling? I said I feel like I'm going to fall apart. And right then I did. I lost it.

He was like, lost why are you falling apart? I told him because I felt like I was never going to get past the things that happened to me in the past. He told me it was irrational, because I already made huge steps forward, and I only use that to self destruct.

He chose one event and explained why I am a good person. And why the event doesn't define who I am.

From there he didn't want me leaving a wreck so he summed it up that all the positives are going on. He told me that he will be there through all the next events in my life. He told me to keep my chin up.

I hate that he's frustrated with me. I hate that he doesn't know how to make me better. I hate that I can't keep to the positives. I wish I wasn't such a disappointment.