((((V))),

I am so sorry you are feeling so alone right now. I wish we all lived closer in the PC world so we could line up and give you some much needed real hugs. You certainly have a lot of friends here at PC. We all see you as a very nice young man who is trying very hard to find some IRL friends too.

What happened to you taking a course to drive trucks? That sounded like a fun career. I would think it would be fun to drive trucks across country etc.

I am so sorry that your long time friend let you down. But to be honest from what you expressed that she said, I really think she is lonely too and feeling unworthy as anyone's friend. It sounds to me like she is doing bad and very low and feeling unworthy of anyone right now. I really don't think that it has anything to do with you.
You know, I have friends that I am distancing from, and I had an old friend call me a couple of weeks ago and I didn't call her back. I didn't call her back because she would not understand where I am right now, she knows me as that outgoing person I was before I developed PTSD. And because I know her, she is going to do the "just" game with me and that really just either gets me angry or triggered or very low right now. What I am working through is something I have to do on my own, it has become very clear to me that people who do not have PTSD do NOT understand what it means and it is a waste of time trying to explain it because they all begin with the "just gotta get over it, just gotta deal, just gotta move on, just get yourself going again, just be strong, just get up and do, just get out, just, just, just". And then EVERYONE always asks how many horses/ponies I have and they all say, you should "just get rid of all of that and take a vacation and do this and do that". And "that is too much for you now, you should "just" sell the farm and get a small place and spend more time with your husband". And the hard part about PTSD is that I honestly don't know "what" I want right now as far as what I want to do in my life. For the first time in my life I don't have a dream. The only dream I do have is getting this lawsuit over with and finally getting some "closure" and never having to hear or see my attorney again and never having to look at all the piles of papers that go along with all the injuries and losses I have. And one thing I WOULD like to see is my beautiful mustang finished in his training, I love to watch him perform and use his gifts. Sigh...

V, you have to find your way out that door somehow, that much I know. I still do my business on a low level and get myself out that door. At least I feel better once I am out there for a while.

What can someone do for you V? You have to do for you V, just like I am trying to work through my crap, because no one is here to really help me with that either. Right now I have all these dam papers and I am trying to sort through them and every day I try a little but I do get very depressed, flashback, and it is dam hard to keep looking at what I lost but I have to make an effort to add it all up somehow and present the numbers to my attorney. And "I" have to do that because he is old now and totally lost because he knows nothing about horses and my business.

I understand you wanting "IRL friends V" right now I don't really have that myself. And that is not really me, but I am not really all me right now either, I am slowly working on that. Apparently I have a bad case of PTSD and this lawsuit and my relationship with my attorney is really aggrivating it. And you know what I ask, "why could I have not found a better attroney than what I have?". I actually like the opposing attorney so much better, I think she would have been such a better match for me. Ugh. Sigh.... And you know what I hear all the time? Get another attorney, well I am tired of calling around and being told to try to keep on top of my attorney I have now because my case is so far along and yes whomever I call knows my attorney and he is good at it, well, I guess they have not seen him lately because he doesn't look good at all to me, he is old and forgetful and I do not know what is wrong with him that makes him shake so bad now that he cant even grab a piece of paper. Sigh...

I don't mean to whine on you V, but you are not alone in feeling alone and even needing a hug. Sometimes my husband does give me a hug but he also wants to know why I can't "just" and I try to tell him and he too comes back with a "just" and hey, I don't even know why I have bad days sometimes, why I get a tickle in the front of my brain and then get all confused in thoughts whenever I look at the dam paperwork. There has to be a reason why that happens and why I feel such a need to avoid it somehow. Yeah, because I end up depressed and cry when I make myself look at it all.

I know you to be a nice person, but all I can say V is get yourself going on something.
Get yourself out that door and try to go for driving lessons like you wanted.

I know that you hate hearing this, but you ARE still young enough to find something that can make you tick and want to get up and do, but you can't do that unless you keep pushing yourself out that door somehow.

Scars? I have have a huge scar from just shy of between my breasts all the way down to my lower female anatomy and there i have a strange scar where I had a drain. I don't even look at myself there anymore.
So you are not the only one with scars. But that was from life saving surgery where I had to be opened up to irrigate my body from toxins from a ruptured leaking appendix that turned into peritonitus. If I didn't have the scar I would not be typing this to you now.

((((Hugs)))
Open Eyes