I was determined my day was going to be good, despite everything.

I usually enjoy a later work schedule; 11am-??; usually 6 or 7pm. This morning I had to be in at 7am to observe in one of my group homes. Determined to be confident and give staff the truth. The observation went well. I was able to give negative and positive feedback and the staff were receptive. *Pat on back*

I had to be at a provider meeting at 10am. Got there on time. Determined to pay attention. At 11:40, I texted my boss to ask if I could leave. Absolutely nothing pertained to us as a facility. He said yes, so I left. *Pat on back*

Picked up lunch and went to the office. Determined to be positive and get stuff done. Then the program director in our satellite office emailed trying to get around the hiring process I set up. Called boss, we did a speakerphone conversation with the director where I confidently stated what he did and did not need to do. When I emailed the director the list (cc'ing 4 other people), he emailed me and the 4 cc'd people backing me up. *Pat on back*

Went to therapy. Told T about the work problem above and my dinner with a new friend (and that it went well). Then I delved into my work with The Emotionally Absent Mother. I had decided to start with the exercise about the messages I received from my mother. I had actually gone over this last session, but I had done it properly this time where I recorded how I felt physically related to each one. I told her that overall, it made me anxious. T said it's because I've avoided it for so long, it was taking a risk, and it was the response she would expect of anyone. I said to myself (but aloud) as I started, "Don't be afraid."

T replied, "I'm not," and laughed...and it pissed me off no end.

As much as I wanted to choke her in that moment in time, I can't believe what I asked next. I asked her to sit with me on the loveseat. She did. So I went through the exercise. T listened until I got to #8.

"You can rest in me when hell freezes over." I said this one made me almost have a panic attack; I felt shortness of breath, chest tightness, queasiness, and shaking. T asked why I thought that one bothered me more than the others. I said off the cuff, I wasn't sure of any deep answer, but the thought of being in my mother's nervous energy is very unpleasant. That I cannot imagine Mom being a safe place because she was unpredictable; if I ever did let go, I had to immediately be on guard.

I went on to the last one: "I enjoy you, you brighten my heart when you are perfect." I said this made me angry and sad...that I still keep up the "perfect daughter" facade.

T asked me what would happen if I didn't keep up the facade. I said in the past when I wasn't perfect there were a lot of anger, tears, or ignoring on Mom's part and mine. She asked, if at this point in my life, what if they weren't proud of me. What or would there be a difference. Why do I still keep up the facade. I said I wasn't sure, but it was all I know...and I should change it. I said that I did "buck" against my parents 4 years ago when I told my mom I was bisexual and had a 5-year affair with a woman. T thought I was throwing it in their face; that I knew they would hate this. It was the first time I had power. She went on to say that Mom in her depression wanted what she thought was better than what she had or did. After a bit of discussion, she asked if I was starting to have any compassion for my mom. I said I don't really blame her for what happened; she did the best she could with what resources she had, but that I am realizing my relationship with my mom is a very deep dark wound.

T said that Mom was depressed, distant, overprotective, and overbearing and most of that came from her depression. It's hard to be a healthy person, much less a healthy mother with depression. Then she asked, prefacing that she was just talking off the top of her head, what am I holding onto related to that wound? I said I didn't know, that I didn't want to hold onto anything. She stated that we don't, but for some reason, we tend to. She said she thought I should ponder it, but not obsess on it. Basically, it's a question I should ask myself and let God answer. She said sometimes we don't want the answers to questions because we won't like those answers, but it's something we have to face. We have to look for the good, bad, and ugly.

I told T I still felt the sadness and I just wanted it out. She replied that sadness can mask resentment and anger. I said it's easier for me to deal with resentment and anger than sadness. She said anger is a secondary emotion that masks primary emotions such as sadness.

She went on to say that we wonder what part we played in situations ourselves and in my situation, it does no good to blame my mother and there's nothing to blame me for as I did nothing wrong. She wondered what part am I playing in keeping this alive; that sometimes we get comfortable where we are, and if I let go and accept it, where will that put me in my relationship with Mom. That I have avoided an authentic relationship with Mom and I might find out that avoiding is not what I need to do.

I told T that what she was telling me sounded like this filtered through my distorted mind: "You need to just let it go and by not letting go, I'm doing the wrong thing." (side note in processing now...I didn't realize this in session: this is what Mom would say). T said in order to let it go I need to examine not only simply what went wrong, but also my beliefs, perspective, and expectations around the relationship. We believe it's safer to hold onto the hurt; that when I was very young, anxiety was instilled in me and it's hard to let go of something we've held for 30+ years. I explained further that I was hearing, "Letting go is easy. Why haven't you let go already?" (also a Mom statement not realized until now). T said, "Yes and no," which bothered me. She explained by saying it's easier than we make it out to be and that's true of people in general, but it's not that easy. It's something we have to decide to live like it's true, even if we don't believe it.

I explained that I took that advice about my self-worth and it took 4-5 months of me living like it was true for it to sink in that it was. In response, she asked, "So what are you holding onto?" The question made me angry because that sounded once again like, "It's easy. Why don't you know the answer?" (another Mom message) but I didn't tell T it bothered me. I said I didn't know and if I did know, "I'd tell you." She started to ask me if it was something, then said she wanted me to come up with it all by myself.

We didn't say anything for quite a while, then started to discuss Mom going on antidepressants. T wanted to clarify several things about Mom's age and depression, how she came to ask for help, how she's doing on the meds, etc. and I answered all her questions. We speculated on some things about her, but they aren't necessarily germane to the session other than it helped T understand and remember what I'd told her about Mom.

I said I thought we'd get farther than we did. She then accused me of talking about work to avoid the Mom stuff, which was absolutely untrue. I do have a tendency to do that, but I thought it was important this time because it affected my mood and was a good thing. However, as I examine this, it didn't really make me angry. I see why she'd think that.

She also wants me to keep working in The Emotionally Absent Mother this weekend. I see her on Tuesday.

Now that I've typed this out, I realize when I left, I thought T was being harsh and overbearing, but she really wasn't. She was actually rather compassionate. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not so angry anymore. I don't know exactly how I feel or who I feel it about. Maybe this is the dreaded therapy hangover people here keep talking about.