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Aug 16, 2012, 10:51 PM
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Member Since: Aug 2009
Location: The Abyss
Posts: 2,692
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It TRULY means ALOT that all of you have posted. I started out okay and am now just dead inside and agitated on the outside. I don't want to do anything or go anwhere and nothing good is on T.V. I can't find anything to occupy my mind, I can't find anything to fill the void/ungroundedness (tried stomping, visualization, etc.). I'm sitting here putting on a facade because people don't understand. I went to the dentist with my facade (yes, I'm an operational member of society). I took my daughter out to do things with my facade (yes, I'm an operational member of society). My husband and my facade watched T.V. Just going through the motions 'as if' I'm somebody.
Then I have to torture myself for some reason and go over what was said in the last session and now I'm obsessed with I must have done something horribly, terribly, unforgivably, reprehensibly wrong; or even worse that I am all of the above.
I'm trying to be mindful but it isn't working well. My T gave me one number to call which I haven't because I'm more interested in the other person and said he'd call me by Friday on that one but he might not be taking patients. Although I intellectually am at a bit of a better place, emotionally, I feel like a piece of trash he threw out and didn't even make sure I got into the trash can. I should call the police to charge him for littering I wish I didn't feel that way, but I do.
I don't know what comes next, no clue. I just hope I that this existence isn't my permanent existence. For those of you who went through it, are going through it, I feel for you. For those of you who can't imagine it/dread it, don't bother as it won't help you when the time comes.
I still feel like it is all my fault, and I'm trying to control my self-hatred. I'm so frustrated that I can't just be who I want to be, much less meet anyone else's standards. I agree with him in that I wouldn't want to be around me anymore and that I'm to be avoided. But that's how I feel. Come on, intellect, can you please help me? I can't even depend on myself.
I still have my sense of humor and I'm still SO looking forward to Breaking Bad on Sunday night. So, I'm trying. . . . . . . . . . . .. I wonder when trash day is?
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