Thanks all;

Flow-- I think i get this i mean when I am doing productive work at work, or even at home- it most of the time is not so much of 'out come of whatever am I doing of what will i get?'; it is more with just to do it and something with in myself of accomplishment or something- I achive a little in myself by doing what I do if that makes any sense, nothing on the outside influences it.
The problem with keeping flow at work is I do have a supervisor that frowns upon good production-- It makes no sense to any one, even outsiders that see what she does, .. it comes to the point that even a few others may think she sees me as a threat so if she can stomp on me, her life is some how easier-- plus I (and a handful of others) think she has her own issues to deal with --- I will always hope she gets the help she needs, I have in my time with my work tried as best to use her as a tool for my own growing, but at times am doubtful of growing or if it is harm.... the worst part is that since I am me, and after i cry about what she has done, I go back to being me with doing things that are productive-- some times I am great with ignoring her (i.e. the other day she is confused with things so she told me to stop doing something until the confusion is settled, i just said whatever to it and went along my day). But there are other times she comes down so harsh and making no sense that I guess I am triggered with her-.. the bad part with this all is that other workers see what she does, and They become the sitting posts to take up space due to they don't want to be treated like that.
This Week has been a great example of that, Sunday night the worker did absolutely nothing-- they did not get talked to, (we work 3 nights together I would had heard about it)... I am up and doing things and get told to stop.... even though it is not harming anything, it is not messing up anything- it is actually fixing things and getting things done, it is being productive... Customer's Managers say Thanks! good job... but supervisor says 'stop doing this!'.... which I have to listen to supervisor she is part of my employer; Customer's Managers are part of the corporation that employer works for.

Any ways-- Enough whining about why Flow at work is hard to keep...I guess I worry too much of the outcome of being told "bad" from supervisor of why Flow stops...

I think a lot of this has helped with me realizing-- I really don't want to be in a corporation environment any more. If that makes any sense....

Problem I come back to is-- what do I want to do??

Maybe a small vet office i can find to do desk/appointment settings and help work, and then go back to school to get my technician degree, I already have my assistance-- the only problem with pursuing that back when I started was my internship was in a Hospital/Veterinarian office, and I did not fit well with that even at 19; and sadly the 'spontaneity of things' throw me off more so these days than when I was younger. Also some patients' parents are a little out there.... I had trouble with the putting down too-- but if it is for good causes I am ok with it (cancer and terminally ill animals i mean)...

I know in another forum i talked about perhaps getting into psychology- that there has been a thing since before I was 18 but at that age I was not ready to face my own demons but I always read on things , these days I think I am just such a mess how could I help anyone else? Some people that know me in real life, say I am not such a mess as I think I am.. So I guess just inside my head is a mess

So as one great co-worker was talking with me the other day-- he mentioned- "I have always came to the question that you (Beuflow) have posed upon your self, 'what do i want to be when I grow up' and it always comes back to 'naa i don't want to grow up, but what do I want to do next'?"
This co-worker actually has had 30-some odd years with the corporation and doing misc. things and not just with this department with in the corporation, and also doing side things like teaching and getting into his city council and stuff like that-- so don't that 'growing up part' as not being mature

So, what do I want to do next.. it is something to think about huh?

I don't want to play apart any more in societies dysfunction--
Perhaps a small Owner Veterinarian office or something would be good- it would not be a corporation right and it would have the bonus plus of helping out which is something I am always driven to do-- just to help out where I can....

Psychology route, is hard to say since I am a double edge sward of it- 1) a lot of kids go abused with out note (I am one of them) 2) There are still 'politics' with psychology I am sure and 3) internalizing/getting emotionally wrapped up in things can be difficult for me
-- At times I think perhaps becoming an art teacher would be cool instead of psychology route-- get to talk with kids and help them out that way even if it is not full hearty helping kids out as i want to some times (I hate of how my siblings and I, and as I read with many other PC Members their struggles, and a lot if in childhood, perhaps we would all be better as adults?).. I remembered when I was little and even high school, school was a great escape-- art I loved in high school and took as much as I could -- it was in it's own way therapy and a stress reliever for me.... I guess that is why.

then with that I think- Why not go for art degrees, perhaps I could either appraise art or something in galleries

sigh...

I like the ideas of helping others out... the only problem though which is what I will come to with what Trici has mentioned---
Finding another job-- I seem to get at times so consumed with some of my "outside of work" problems my time in my head stops; and I do this with Work Problems as well that trigger me-- I at times come out and time seems to get moving, then another thing stumbles and I get stuck again in my head with time.

It is like Time in Reality is going, it is passing, but Beauflow is not part of reality time, Beauflow is in La la la la Beauflow land with time... and then comes back to Reality time and so much has passed..... the funny thing is that my ex-therapist really did not see the problem with this-- and I unfortunately do think this is a problem- or is that just me?

I am getting back on reality time here lately-- as long as my S/O does not ask for me to see his parents, as long as my brother is accepting some space and time and getting help (IDK If he is but I will always hope so), and that a thing does not come crashing down again--- I will again like I did a few months back put in some more applications for other work. (i do have fears with getting into the same environment in a new job, that is at the recent job however-- but I do realize, I do not know unless I try).

Another problem is I have a rather difficult time homing into what is my strength? what do I really enjoy? ... I wish someone could just assets me and be like this is a fit for you!!


any who.....Side Stepper-- Man's place in society-- this woMan wants to be in a place of society with being more productive

Oh and Odee OH my -- I do agree with a lot that you have mentioned, trinets and stuff-- I don't see why people don't do more crafts as you mention instead of buying garbage..... my work right now-- even though the corporation is not known for what the dept does, the dept actually I do see 'good in what they do for society in away', the dept that is-- the dept helps with many other companies keep their information backed up-- i think it is good for they are helping (for a pretty penny) these others with keeping things going for the rest...

sigh... and speding more time with loved ones is one big thing with me right now as well-- My S/O and I have been working two different shifts-- we don't get much week time together- I am alone a lot on weekdays which sometimes upsets me so much due to I was alone a lot as a kid or I was not allowed to go outside almost all the time due to my mom, so I would sit in my room and sit in my room by myself.. I know I had 5 other siblings but they were 5-9 years older than I-- they did not want to hang out with the baby

I am babbling...

some things to chew on..

I wish I could figure out flow better for life in general for me