I don't know if you've received any specific personality disorder diagnosis, but I have: schizoid PD. It's essentially, "I don't want to socialize and I'm not bothered by it, thankyouverymuch!" And that's how I felt for most of my life. Now, after having been with my therapist, I'm more like, "I don't want to socialize, but I AM bothered by it! Help!" I've realized that my depression is related to not having an internal or external emotional support system. I'm more sensitive to things going awry because I don't have anyone to help me cope. One person--me--can only do so much.

It took a while for my therapist to diagnosis me. She knew what was wrong but didn't want to tell me. She later told me she was in denial, not wanting to believe that I was "that way". Ouch!

Making friends is still one of the goals on the table, and it's still one of those things I wince at when she brings it up. But we work on other things too. Like getting in touch with my feelings, learning how to handle other people's "complexities", and making connections to people on my own terms. These are lessons I need to learn for me to be able to avoid depression. If I make a friend, that will be great. But my therapist seems to understand that simply not having a friend is NOT why I'm in her office.

My therapist doesn't really *get* my schizoidism. She'll say stuff like "If you'd just make eye contact, you could make a friend!" And she'll tell me to join a class and "see what happens." Crazy talk. And yet I try to follow her advice and put in some effort, because who knows? I am not in therapy to just sit there like a log and not be challenged. I'm there to "stretch".

I don't believe in "natural" and "unnatural" stuff. It may be natural to make friends, but it's also natural to eat peanuts--and peanuts can kill you if you have an allergy.