I did not have a good night. I slept fitfully and feel worn out with a headache. I emailed T at 3:30am even though I promised myself I wouldn't. Here's the email:

My emotions have been all over the place since I left session. On the drive home, I became angrier and angrier. Once home, I had to lock myself in my bedroom for 3 hours to keep from taking that anger out on anyone. *During that time, I tried to process my session through writing. I felt very angry with you. I processed the session and the anger subsided, especially when I realized the Buddhist/nudist thing (that was really funny to me and H). Shortly after I emailed about that last night (I hope you weren't offended), my meds kicked in. I remember telling H I was hallucinating. I think I was dreaming while dozing, but when H got me up to go to bed, I remember thinking I was losing my mind. I awoke a few minutes ago realizing the light was still on, my contacts were still in, etc. I am lucid and had the following realization.

While I realized that you did not say or do anything out of character, my mind perceived that what you were saying was coming from Mom, not you. I was somewhat aware of this during session, but I don't think I communicated this to you. I was hearing, "Why can't you just let it go? Why aren't you letting it go quickly enough? Why can't you hurry up and let it go so you will finally just go away? I say I love you but I really don't like you. I just tolerate you. I'm just here because it's my job. What's wrong with you? Why don't you let go? It's really easy. Letting go would make me happy. You going away would make me happy. It would be nice not to ever have to put up with you again." This is the story of my childhood. This is the message I received from Mom.

This is a time I really have to have faith in you. That you aren't saying these things to me. That you really do care. That you are not judging me. That I'm worthy of your love even if I can't let go yet; don't know how yet. That you don't think there's anything wrong with me.

The statement above, "I love you but I don't like you" was said by Mom several times through my childhood. Remembering this makes my heart heavy. I also feel like I've taken one step forward and two steps back in my progress.

Will you please answer this email? I try not to ask for that much because I really don't want to impose, but I'm really insecure and hurting right now and feel very alone. Don't worry, I'm not going to email you this weekend. Thank you. I hope I go back to sleep now. It's 3:30 am and I am exhausted.