It's been so long I've internalized it, but yes, mostly mom's. Then maybe other people building on top of that. I wasn't the model kid that was always neat and tidy, cleaning up and listening to mom like a robot. Maybe I got really good grades in school, but I was still stupid and dumb and not like the other kids (who were all perfectly behaved, obviously, unlike us). And sometimes I'd try, but I'd get it wrong, and maybe it would have been better not to try in the first place.

It's some pretty deep-set stuff I'm aware of, consciously, but when I'm down I could care less and just let those feelings reign. And down is practically every day: maybe not sad and crying, but irritable and guilty and lacking motivation and indulging in thoughts of ways to hurt myself or worse.