First of all, I am doing better since I last posted. I have been offered a full-time job working with a non-profit that is due to start October 1. I just have to pass hte background check, which I am a little worried about due to my working as a stripper a couple years back. Although I've passed two background checks after quitting stripping, I am more worried about this one, probably b/c I need the job so badly, both for my financial and mental stability.
Anyways, two weeks ago, I tried to quit T, told her how serious my SUI thoughts were, self-harmed and told her about it, etc. That week was very bad for me and T really came though, told me it wasn't a good idea to quit, offered to see me for free (I refused this offer and sucked it up and asked my mom to pay for my therapy), and spent a half hour talking to me on the phone. But that week I really think that T saw me at my worst and was completely there for me.
Anyways, for the past two sessions since then, I have been able to have more normal conversations with T. I tell her things that bother me that before I would not have been able to verbalize, I am more articulate, I can say what I want to say, I act more "adult" around her whereas before I think I acted more like a scared kid. We even made a couple jokes today. For me this is huge. Up until recently, when I saw her I would stutter, wouldn't want to sit next to her and would sit across the room and push my chair back against the wall so as to be as far from her as possible, have spent half or even whole sessions in silence. There have been times I have been able to talk to her normally, but they were either very fleeting, or they just seemed fake, like I was covering something up. But today I felt like I was able to talk to her about what was bothering me in a more mature, articulate way.
For example, I went on a date this past weekend. He paid for dinner, and then we went out for drinks. The bartender looked at him and asked how he would be paying, and the guy paused and said, "Actually, she's paying for this." So I paid for it, but I felt like I was going to cry. My response was kind of irrational. And then after that, he opened a tab and paid for the rest of my drinks. But it bothered me so much that he put me on the spot and wanted me to pay for the first round, to the point where I might not see him again and felt like crying. And what bothered me almost more was that I think of myself as being fairly progressive, I read a lot of feminist texts and tend to get into arguments with men over feminism. It bothered me that it bothered me, basically. And before, I would not even have been able to verbalize this to my T for fear of her thinking of me as some kind of stupid un-feminist gold digger. But today, I was able to tell her and to verbalize what bothered me about it and how my reaction was kind of unequal to what caused it. Of course, I did preface my story by saying "You're going to think this is really stupid..." like five times before I actually started, but at least I said it and when I was telling her, I was able to articulate myself well. And she didn't think I was stupid for feeling that way; she said it was interesting that despite being so progressive, I still get bothered by things like that. I told her I think it stems from me being paid for my time by men when I was dancing, and she added that my parents have very traditional, almost pre-historic values about gender roles, and this must influence me even though I try my best not to be influenced by it. She didn't make me feel ashamed about it; she was understanding and made me see that my response to being asked to pay for drinks might have been influenced to other factors in my life, not that I am some gold digging/superficial person. It just made me feel good to tell her this and not to be laughed at.
So anyways, the point is, it took me 16 months of therapy to have two sessions in which I talked to my T like a normal person and was able to articulate myself and voice my problems. I felt mature, and I loved that I was even able to joke a little with her. Well, we will see how long this lasts, but hopefully it will keep going. I have two more sessions with her before she goes on vacation which sucks, becuase that might put a dent in my progress.
So I guess my question is, how long did it take you guys to have a somewhat "normal" converstion with your T? Or were you just able to do this the first time? I think that if I am able to keep this up then maybe I won't feel as embarrassed talking to her about my feelings for her, or about my own desire to be a therapist, or about some things that are just hard in general to talk about.