Dear Chain Wreck:

I am a male 60 years old. I didn't know I was bipolar for forty years. I was told I had a anixety/depression disorder. The cost to me personnally has been enormous. My career is ruined, my kids are hostile to me and I have a loveless marriage. Like many who suffer from Bipolar, I was nasty and thought I had all the answers. Family members got mad and then withdraw to preserve their own sanity. Now medication does work to control my feelings, but not all the time. However, the window of opportunity to change will not be received by my family.....it's too late.

Bipolar disorder is very perplexing. There may be times when a person appears normal. He/she may hold a good job and have a decent income. So, I think, in general, family and others feel that the illogical behavior is something that one can control. My wife believes that my behavior was done on purpose. Therefore, she said that she can't forget or forgive. It was too painful. I try to understand, but it hurts.

I have found that people cannot do not understand the disorder and they don't want to learn. My wife said to me, "it's your problem." Be assured if I had a physical illness, she would not have said it's my problem,

So, I have concluded that I must grieve my losses, lose family members and perhaps friends and be strong to care for myself. Educate yourself, get emotional support from professionals and do the best you can for yourself. Like most things in life, no one really cares, they are just glad it's not them. Remember, things will never be "normal" for us. One can only do the best that one can.

I believe, if there is a spiritual side to life, then I will, at some time, be at peace. If not, then I go back to the darkness. Never to matter, never to feel pain and never to suffer! Be strong and never give in to the disorder or all the doubters win. I'm determined to go down swinging!