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I just had to read about the concept of the "backdoor spike" & I understand this perfectly... My OCD doesn't affect me as much as it used to, but I spike quite a lot & often cause myself anxiety by being somehow triggered into thinking about my old behaviour/thoughts.
For one, I suggest you stop reading about serial killers... Even if they interest you. I'm personally a huge fan of forensic fiction & true crime articles. But that's not going to help you feel better & it's going to keep making you think about this.
Two, recognize that it is normal to worry about this. You had OCD & you alone know how devastating it was for you to experience... But these thoughts don't mean it's coming back. And thoughts alone can't make you into a serial killer/mass murderer. You would have to WANT to do it & just because you have no anxiety, it doesn't mean you have the desire to do it. You are psyching yourself out & I totally understand how difficult it is not to succumb to that.
Three, find something to keep you distracted. Find something new to invest your time into. Even if it's writing your thoughts to get them out of your head, find a way of liberating yourself from thinking too much without going numb & dumb.
I hope that helped... *sigh* Wow, it's amazing how easy it is to give advice when you're not the one dealing with something at the moment! Lol. But truly, this will pass. Even if it doesn't feel like it. One of my common intrusive thoughts is about having all of the signs of being a serial killer...
Even though that's true, it's my own decisions that will dictate my fate. Not a train of thought. : )
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