Warning you in advance that this might sound pathetic but I know I'm not the only one going through these things. This post is long because I don't know who else I can tell(I'll explain that later. I'll try to cover everything, as short as I can).

I've spent the past 2 nights crying and freaking out and having what I would call panic attacks. I feel depressed, it takes a lot for me to actually admit that. I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD, and my medication has been helping but I'm still caught up in a whole whirlwind of HUGE problems that are consuming my life.

Please don't judge me, and my intention is not for you to feel sorry for me(I hate people taking pity on me) but I just need some advice on what to say or do. I'm so lost, and incredibly scared.

Don't even know where to start so I'll just say things in whatever order they come out of my head in. I have a migraine from crying so much today. I felt okay this morning, then I started doing the whole pacing around and talking to myself having conversations as if there was someone else in the room. I'm home alone for 3 days, and it always seems to hit me more when I'm alone, because my ADHD makes my mind race like crazy and I can't stop thinking of certain thoughts.

I know that I need help. It goes way deeper than just ADHD. Since I've been diagnosed, I've been placing a lot of blame on my illness as the reason why I acted certain ways my whole life and the things that I did when I was younger. I know I shouldn't do this, but I feel like I place a lot of blame(mentally not verbally) on my mom, because she raised me herself and she never encouraged me to talk about things that bothered me. She doesn't know I was bullied in school, and when I told her it seemed as though she could care less. I have flashbacks of all the negative things that have happened in my life when I was younger up until now. Having ADHD makes everything worse, the depression more intense. I walked around yelling and punching things today, trying to get some sort of relief because I felt as though I was going crazy.

I've been lying about things my whole life. When I moved schools in the middle of 8th grade, I lied about where I lived in my new home to the kids at school, because I was embarrassed and ashamed that we didn't have as much money as everyone else. We lived in a subdivision of like older houses(very small ones..but it was only me and my mom and she supported us herself) and the kids at school called it the "projects". I knew they wouldn't talk to me if they knew I lived there so I lied about it. They eventually found out because when I started highschool the bus would pick me up at my house..So they obviously knew. The way people were looking at me, knowing where I lived, and the fact that they had the nerve to bully me about it.

I didn't initially intend to ramble about that part, but it just goes to show that with ADHD, I remember every little single detail about situations when I have memories and flashbacks and nightmares about them. Where was I?..... I comletely just lost my train of thought(bothers the hell out of me, all the time).

The biggest lies I've told recently were to my family members about how I'm saving up my money from this new job to go to school. I've lied to friends about certain aspects of my life and they believe me, and at the time I don't realize what exactly it has done. I want to own up to it, but I know it will just result in me losing all those friends or they'll think I just want pity, but I don't. I'm just so lost about everything and I have no idea as to why I do the things I do or say the lies that I tell, all I know is that they provide relief of some sort for a short time. It's really affecting me because I can't even function normally, and it's making me sick. I've had huge amounts of stress, hormones out of whack, and I had shingles. People who are 21 years old shouldn't get shingles. But now, I have no Idea what I want to do. I spend money impulsively because it makes me feel better about myself, and it makes me feel like everyone else if I have certain things that are trendy or what not. I buy things and then never wear them, or barely use them. I bought a Wii system recently and a whole bunch of games, and then got bored of playing it. I bought one because my ex boyfriend's family had one, and that was a time when I was happy, so maybe it was a subconscious thing. I haven't touched it in about 3 weeks and I got it about a month ago.

I want to get help. I know I need it. I don't want to keep living like this, with all this fear and anxiety and stress and pain and sickness and depression. I want to feel happy, and I wish I could feel like I'm entitled to it. Sometimes I feel like a complete waste of space, and then I decide I'm going to get help and never follow through. I'm scared to ask, because of what people will think of me. No one in my family has mental illnesses, at least not like I do, and I always feel as if they just think there couldn't ever be anything wrong with me. I feel like I'll be being selfish for wanting people to give a **** about me and help me get better, because I know I can't do it alone.

I tried today, to call about a Psychotherapist that is about an hour and a half away because they are covered under our health plan that I don't have to pay for. When I called though, they said I needed to be a patient of one of their doctors, and then proceeded to say, "So, sorry, we can't help you". I'm serious...she actually said that to me.

Then I had a breakdown because here I am actually making the effort to get help, and they can't help me. I frantically Googled things and called the Mental Health Services of Canada and all that, to ask about Psychotherapists, because they are covered under our health care, and I can't afford to pay someone for psychology. Again...the money issue, I spend all my money and never save it, and my family believes that I'm doing okay with it and that my only problem is that I have ADHD. I feel like they don't genuinely want to know if I'm okay. Lost track of what I was saying..sorry. When I called the Mental Health phone numbers, they had to direct my call to another place, that was closer to me, which was fine because the lady was nice and helpful. When I called the next place, however, I swear to god(sorry..im just frusterated, please don't take offense) the lady had no friggen clue what she was talking about! She had to keep asking the other lady in the room things, which I felt she should have already known. She said they have a Psychologist in the area but no Psychotherapists, and they had Counsellors. She couldn't explain to me what the difference between the two(psychologist and cousellor) were so I just said thanks and hung up. I too then felt like she couldn't help me.

So, I began pacing around talking to myself as if I was telling someone what was bothering me. I just wish I could tell SOMEONE.

I know that was a lot to wrap your head around...hence why I feel like I'm going insane. Is there anything that anyone can suggest? I would write a letter to my mom, but i would postpone sending it to her(she doesnt live with me), and I'm too nervous and stressed out to tell any close family members. I just feel like none of them can do anything for me.

I really don't want to continue like this anymore. Anyone also know of any online chat things or people(mental health professionals...preferrably in Canada) that I can contact that offer assistance ONLINE rather than on the phone? If I was emotionally and mentally able to call a hotline, I would have done that by now.

Any advice is greatly appreciated, I don't know how much longer I can live like this.