I think I am making the right decision here, but I would appreciate input.

So on the one hand, I am learning about healthy boundaries wrt ex, and achieving some stability - he visits weekly with children, etc. I am bitter but realistic in regards to the fact that this relationship cannot be glued together. I wish, but it cannot. So I should move on.

On that same one hand, a relationship with D. does not seem to be developing the way I wanted - he skipped a day of writing to me after I had written that I miss him. My former teacher who knows him thinks that perhaps I wounded him too much in the past (literally kissing others in his presence knowing that he was in love with me) and is wary. In any event, I am clearly in position of wanting him more than he wants me - the tables have turned . It probably would be difficult for anyone, but I think it is especially challenging to me because I am borderline (dx'd this way by multiple professionals and through neuropsych testing, and, when I did Sanity Score on this site, nothing pretty much stood out except for borderline - borderline was huge). So back to the beginning - if the relationship is not developing the way I want it, I might as well look elsewhere - right?

On that same one hand, I've pretty much accepted my weight (As of Aug 17th, 2012, my BMI was 30.78, which is slightly obese), I've been told by a professional that it is not likely to budge, so why put off dating until I change which may never happen? Time to find someone who would accept me "as is". Right?

Finally, on that same one hand, if the new p-doc is successful in restoring me to my previous orgasmic condition, I would be good as new - right? So why wait?

And since everyone is into online dating these days, that is what comes to mind.

Now to the other hand. I would expect that the reaction of men to my profile, to me, would be distributed normally. Some would like me, some would not. And I would not know how to handle it. I would not know how to handle rejection. I have no skills and no experience. I have never been through wanting a man and not being wanted back. Sure, my first bf and my first husband were attached to their mommies more than to me, which sucked big time, but the guys still wanted me. One of my bfs (who, sadly, later committed suicide and was probably bp - I do not know bp or schizo but one of the two for sure; he was a genius composer) attempted suicide when I left him (stupidly!) for my would-be first husband (bad choice). He landed in a hospital. If I only knew at that time that I would one day land in a hospital with a sui attempt... I had no clue... I really miss him...but that is OT. So, what did I do? I enjoyed the drama and attention. Will I get something like this now? No. My ex (second husband) immediately dropped his gf when he met me. He married me within 6 months. I was used to that kind of treatment. I am being very realistic and I know that I won't get that kind of treatment again. I with luck would get something lukewarm. The question is whether I can settle for it.

I have had my frustrations on the romantic front, but they were connected to a rejection of a different sort. I was madly in love with a guy who was married with children. He did not want to cheat on his wife, even though they had an essentially sexless marriage. He was older than my parents... His kids were my age peers... crazy. I would still go to bed with him now had he called. Ultimately, we shared some sexual moments together in mild form, but it definitely was not what I wanted. So I spent, unbelievably, two years waiting for something to happen and masturbating to thoughts about him. But he was very clear on how much he wanted me; he said that gods must be laughing at him because something he wants more than anything else in the whole world is available yet he cannot take it. And he was loving in other ways, as best he could. So it was a horrible frustration, but not outright rejection.

I was not dx'd and treated until my late thirties, so I spent my twenties in bouts of hypomania, which made me very attractive in a literal sense of the word (hypomanic charisma draws people in). Having good looks and being outgoing did not hurt, either, but I strongly believe that it was hypomania that was responsible for such a good "reception" - and not just on the romantic front - I had multiple job offers from prime places, winning interviews with simple small talk and a smile. Employers competed for me, graduate programs competed for me, I never competed for anything. Fast forward to earlier this year when I lost an interview for a well fitting position (perfectly fitting position). I was depressed (no sparkle in the eyes, obviously), and my hands shook from high dosage of Depakote. Who would want such a person? Of course I was rejected. That I had a perfectly fitting resume did not matter.

I do not take as much Depakote anymore, and with Prozac I am smiling again and I did win an interview for my current position, so things aren't THAT bad, but I still think that with dating, as with interviews, there would be a lot of rejection.

And I would not be able to take it in stride, because I am borderline.

And that, in turn, would destabilize my bipolar. I would lose my current equilibrium.

So online dating is not for me.

Logical?