The black cloud is back. I've had my ups and downs, some downs pretty heavy, in the last 2 months but none of the "symptoms" of depression other than bad mental stuff was happening. But here I am, waking up wayyy too early and cant fall back asleep, nauseas, on the verge of tears, shoulders slumped, and my own personal depression related demon- hatred of medication. 2 weeks ago I was on week 3 of my Cymbalta trial, and I felt better than I had in 6 months. I can say that for sure even now when my brain is filled with negativity. If you take away the last week, early August was the best ive felt since my major depressive episode last year. I thought I had found the right med, the right way of living, and was FINALLY ready to move on from depression at least and deal with my anxiety. But no, it has come back for NO REASON.

And now I sit here and stare at my Cymbalta and Klonopin and blame them. Cymbalta tricked me into thinking it was going to be my biological crutch so I could fix the psychological and external parts of my life and now it all goes away. So if history repeats itself, I have another day or two of horrible near non functioning mornings that turn into days where I function but obsess over depression. After that I have a major crash that every time it happens first hurts my family then sends us on the wonderful trip of angry therapy sessions and hoping my psych gets my phone messages which he usually doesn't because his office staff are horrible. Then a new med regiment that makes me sick for a week, better for 2 weeks, and then we repeat. I was doing everything right...I just can't stop the snowball once it starts going downhill.

I was happy for 2 weeks. It's been so long since I can say that. I've had happy moments and happy days in between sure, but I had 2 weeks where my life was run by positivity and the negative times were simply bumps in the road. And without any external force impacting my life, without any major life changes, without any health issues, and without skipping meds or changing dosages, I am depressed again. So the fight begins again, and although I always come out the other end, I wonder how much of a life is one really having if they are fighting themselves for the majority of it.