Has anyone ever dealt with this?

As a result of my depression and BPD I more often than not have to 'pre-plan' my emotional reactions... but it isn't from lack of empathy. I feel more and more like my displays out emotions and my reactions to things are dull. Flat, lifeless... my smile isn't vibrant enough, my laugh seems too forced, I never laugh at the right time, I can't bring myself to care as much about the little things that make other people react easily - e.g., a funny joke or video. I just stare sometimes at these kinds of things and people become uncomfortable when I don't react in a positive way to something I SHOULD react positively to. Now I'm almost always paranoid people know I'm really empty inside.

Another example: at holidays and at gatherings where you have to socialize, I'll have to literally psych myself up for how I'll react in a 'good' and normal way to giving/receiving gifts and meeting people, since I fear they'll think I'll dull, sad, etc. I really don't know what the fix for this is. I feel very guilty about it.

Thanks to those who share/lend support....