I have checked...no Al-Anon chapters in our area(very rural), but lots of AA chapters! She won't go to AA as she says it will"ruin my reputation" professionally and she will end up leaving me if she does. Sounds like alcoholic excuses, eh? Losing her is a chance I would gladly take if it saved her...

The hospital is one of the best here(I sent her there when she had a hysterectomy last year...another factor that deepened her depression), but I don't know about the psych ward. It is scarey...little basement rooms, noisy, dark...she needs her animals and sunshine and fresh air... After I finally snapped out of my denial I suggested/asked/begged her to get on meds two and a half weeks ago... She drug her feet, but actually had an appointment with our family Dr. this am...scheduled 14 hours after she imploded/exploded/whatever...being locked up will only worsen her...I know her that well...she needs meds of some sort(but not an SSRI for sure...been there,done that, bought the t-shirt...backfired), Bupropion HCL worked on her before other than the headaches. She feels like she is under a microscope with me when she is on meds. Maybe she is...hard to leave being a Doc at the door...the meds have so many side-effects to watch for...

Rehab facility? That thought takes my breath away...I feel like I should be able to tell her more often how much I care for her/love her/need her/want her or leave more little "I love you" notes or buy more Hallmark cards or hug her more and fix it. (I am so inherently an enabler!) She has said 10,000 times her dogs are all that keep her sane...I even offered tonight to have her come home...get on meds...I'd stay away for a few weeks or whatever and let her adjust...then we could find her a therapist and would even do couples sessions if she wanted...

I know depression is supposed to be biochemical(though reading the professional lit. tells me they know 1/100th of what they don't know about the brain/neurotransmitters/drugs/behavior/etc), but adding alcohol is just like fighting a forest fire with gasoline! She screamed at me over and over on the phone last night that she didn't love me(of course her blood alcohol was 0.16!), and that hasn't been the first time. But an hour after she is asleep/passed out she will be on my shoulder, arm over my chest, leg thrown across me, and the girl I fell in love with over our morning coffee... She was also yelling at me because I want to talk about "things" too much...

As a confession... I am a pain in the kester to live with...cannot eat dinner in town without someone needing to talk about this or that...crummy hours...continual compassion burn-out...thrive on 3-5 hours of sleep per night...over-achiever...Type "A" personality...worked through my neuroses stemming from child abuse/neglect on my own with reading/meditation/writing...can quit drinking when I am happily buzzed(though alcohol has lost any allure now)...will admit my failures/shortcomings/faults readily...sabotage my own life when things get good(move/break-up/change jobs/etc)... wrestled(though now controlled) with anger as the only emotion(Thanks Dad!)...

I am prattling again...

Need to get some Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Dealing with a 6 y.o. that watched his Step-Momma unravel last night(beating a can of tuna on the counter, cursing it, and throwing the can opener would be un-ravelled, right?)...any advice there? Though he accepts she is sick and cannot come home until she thinks she is well...
Thanks again...
CIAO...