Tuesday morning is my first T appointment after my nine-week break. I feel a weird mixture of things: like somebody said in another thread, it's been so long that it almost feels like the first appt all over again (espcially since I'd only started seeing him - I had four appointments, I think, before his holiday started.) So there's the anxiety about a new T and a new situation and not knowing how to act in the therapy room or how to say things. (I'm not even sure which language we'll speak, but I guess that will be sorted out very quickly in the first appointment.) I'm also worried about what to say, what I ought to bring up first (or at all). I have made a little list of topics (which would none of them be missed) - I have about 20 items on the list ranging from really specific ones to really general ones, and I don't know which of them (if any) are important enough for me to bring up without prompting. Actually, that is a lie. I do know that some of them are absolutely central. But how to bring them up is another question. (No, I'm not going to hand him the list.) Maybe I should start with how I've been feeling over the summer and what the long break did to me - but I really don't want to be confrontational. Why is this so hard?

So a lot of nervousness. But also a lot of positive anticipation. In those few appointments I had with this T I felt something like a real connection with him, and he seemed to understand what I said. That's something I haven't felt with previous Ts I have seen, at least not to the same extent. I feel fairly certain that he wouldn't be as dismissive and invalidating as I felt exT to be (which was mostly cause I failed to communicate with her, but still)

I'm also worried that if therapy works better this time around, I will get worse before I get better. I mean, that's only to be expected. And I'm not sure how I will be able to handle that, or how I'll handle any "T hangovers" if they appear.

I'm very pleased that I now have a set time every week for my T appointments. Having to schedule a time for the next week, each week, didn't work so well for me because of the way my work schedule works; having a set time means I can block off that time in my work calendar for the whole autumn. Besides I think it's good for me, mentally, to know that Tuesday mornings are T time (pun not intended ).

I have been reading some of my old threads and realised that it's actually quite good for me to do that, in order to discover what I was thinking and feeling back in March, and April, and May... so I allowed myself to ramble on here because maybe it will be good for me to go back later and see what I was thinking in August.

If anybody would like to pocket ride on Tuesday morning - it will be the middle of the night in the US, I'm afraid - I would welcome that.