My family is the only group of people I trust with my personal issues, but, I was severely bullied in my youth. It occurred during a time when social skills begin to be learned through interaction with others during later elementary and junior high years. I never developed those skills due to severe bullying and taunting by not just a few people but by most of the school. So I retreated into my own world for a few years until doctors were able to help me with some of my medical problems that were the focus of my bullying. By then, I had missed some of the most important years of social development skills that most kids had learned already.

My parents had me involved in activities outside of school like girl guides, brownies, cadets, etc. These helped to a point. However, I still only developed role playing skills according to the role these positions expected of its members instead of being myself, I learned to be these roles. How to be the ideal guide or cadet or as in the work place, now...how to be the ideal retail worker. When the shift is over, I drop the role playing and go home.

Whenever I was "myself" among others, I was bullied. This developed the avoidance disorder. I learned to be whatever kind of person the immediate people around me wanted me to be. I don't know "me." I only know the roles I am meant to play when among certain groups. I tire of roleplaying by the end of the day so I avoid anymore social settings and retreat at home.

As for men....any relationship I was in...there was never love..only sex. I leanred that quickly. Men would lie, sweet talk, seduce, whatever it took to get sex. Then, once they get it..it was good bye. The only people who ever loved me were family. No man has ever loved me and been intimate. So I detached love from sex. The only love I have ever received from men have been from the platonic relationships in my life...father, brothers, sons, uncles, cousins, etc. Any man who wanted a physical relationship with me never included love with that package. So I have been celibate now for 7 years and I don't miss it. The only men to ever love me have been my sons, my brother, my father and relatives. Any men who want physical pleasure, I immediately mistrust. No man will ever touch this body again.