|
Thank you everyone for all of your wonderful replies.
Stress is a major issue for me. I've always stressed and here lately it's been much worse. As questioned before, yes I have been diagnosed with PTSD so perhaps these issues are stemming from that. The therapist didn't think I was technically depressed, just that my stress levels have worn me out emotionally and physically. This could be true. And y'all are likely right.
When I think back to May, I can see why my t wanted me hospitalized. I was in the emergency room three times in a week, two of the times were because my anxiety and my over all mental health caused me to get so physically ill. Everything at all sent me spiralling into an anxiety attack. I didn't eat for days at a time because I wasn't hungry, and when I tried to force myself to eat I would throw it up or dry heave constantly. I couldn't hold liquids down either.
I wasn't sleeping, I would lay in bed shaking so terribly it would wake my fiance up. I was shaking even when I was sleeping, the shaking would wake me up. Every time it started (about every 35-45 minutes) he would wake up and give me a back rub (as I had read they are great for anxiety) and it helped but it would just hit again so soon after.
I was shaking and yes crying constantly, while in bed, while watching TV, while out places. I missed the whole week of work. My third visit to the ER they sent the mental health doctor in to see me, she evaluated me and suggested I stay in the mental health ward a few days. I begged saying I couldn't leave my daughter so she referred me to my therapist I have now.
I saw him once, then two days later I was still in terrible shape. Shaking and still not able to sleep. I just couldn't function. I called him but had no way to drive to see him so he squeezed me in and made a trip to my home to see me. I was a wreck when he came over. He even mentions it from time to time during our visits to prove to me I have made progress since that time.
Having a seizure is what set all of that into motion, but even he doesn't think (as well as the doctors not believing it) that the seizures caused all of the feelings and things I was experiencing. That appointment where he came to my home, he recommended I go to their inpatient treatment. I told him I couldn't do that to my 4 year old so he told me to call any time day or night when I was feeling that bad again. There have been days but I didn't call him, figuring it would be best to try to get through it on my own.
I guess if I were having a break down, that would have been the time. And looking back I am better. I just get so tired of feeling this way. We went to lunch at my favorite restaurant today, after the lunch crowd there was only one other table in the restaurant. Still I felt so uneasy, so uncomfortable I felt like I was going to run out the door at any minute. So I've just been staying home every day unless I work.
My fiance tries to get me to go places, but I lack the energy and when I do go to make him happy, I am just terrible to be around. I am just not ever seeming happy. I don't mean to, how I would love to enjoy things I used to enjoy. I used to be the kind of person who had to go places all the time. Just go go go. I loved being out side, going places. Now it's a HUGE chore just to walk to dog.
My fiance is the one cooking dinner every night now, he's the one doing almost all of the cleaning, and as much as I'm ashamed to say it, there are days where I forget to shower or brush my teeth, and when I remember, I just don't feel like it. I hate showering I hate brushing my teeth and doing my makeup, I even stopped straightening my hair, but I do it because I don't want to scare my fiance off.
Maybe he's right, maybe I am depressed. I don't feel sad or down, I am hopeful, I'm just so angry and so empty... Kind of... Unless you count my fears and my anger, those are what seem to consume me. Love to of course, I hug and kiss my daughter all day long so she knows I love her, I just can't show it with anything else. I'm a wreck.
Even though I had a million emotional problems before, I'd give about anything to feel the way I did before the accident two years ago. While a lot of these problems have intensified in the last two months, they started two years ago, when my t says the PTSD happened. They just seem to get worse.
I just want to pull my hair out. I am angry, I just 90% of the time don't know why I'm angry. My t thinks this has to do with my DID but he thinks everything has to do with my DID. I just don't know. I'm a mix, a huge mess of problems. Im tired, if I can't fix these problems, I just want to sleep or be alone until they go away...
__________________
I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
|