i really just dont know anymore.

spose i should start with a backstory.

so.
recently in therapy weve been having...some difficult times i guess. Its normally pretty ok at the start. but as soon as my Therapist says something i dont want to hear...im gone. she says i dissociate. i dont know what happens back in the room with her. i only know what happens to me in what we call 'The Snow.' Basically...i go to this place thats absolutly beautigul. its night there. there is a large full moon. clear stary skies. soft fluffy white snow. a silent forest. and mountains on the horizon. most of the time i cant come bavk on my own. sometimes she will gently shake mt shoulder to get me back. which works. her challenge is to then keep me in the room. as soon as i 'come back' i instantly want to retreat again.

so thats that part of the story.

anyway...part 2.
well. my mind has blessed me with a flashback in the form of dreams. (thanks for that brain....not). anyway. i know part of what happens. not all. i remember my step dad approaching me and hitting me in the side. then nothing. thats all im saying about that.

part 3. today's session.
it started ok. light conversation. ive been away all weekend so my T was askig me about that. and i was telling her id had a couple of 'my moments.'. one in particular was horrible. but im not ready to discuss it. so dont ask. you wont get an answer. anyway...so then this triggered me to shut down. i was fighting my body from dissociating or whatever. i have 2 kinda...guardians i hear in my head. they take the form of wolves. aanyway they starrted arguing. and i lost it. i said to my t "i cant stand this anymore!" and gave in yo my mind and body. i left. now. im at home hours later. no idea what happened after that moment. im confused. and scared. i feel so sorry for my T. i called her later but she didnt get a chance to call back yoday. so thatll probs happen tomorrow. she says all this links in with PTSD. i dont care for her psych talk. i just cant take the arguing and conflict and pain anymore... but if i trll my t that...im scared shell take it the wrong way. i dont want to die. i just want it to stop. i dont want my wolves to leave. i want them to find peace. with each other. and what they have kept a secret for so long. i hate seeing them suffer. but im not ready to be bombarded like i was today. i dont know what to do!