I'm in this mixed hypo/depression and it's not fun. Last weekend I went to a hotel with 4 girlfriends for a night and got wasted. I set out like I would just be mellow, maybe have a beer but got wasted all night. I'm upset because one girl was the first time I met her and she reached down my shirt and grabbed my boob. Then she yelled at me because I had pulled her away from talking to the bouncer at the bar when they were closing and kicking us out. Then she kissed me later. I don't like her strong come-on approach. Then she told me she slept with my girlfriend there, the one I have an ongoing relationship with for 4 years. My boyfriend knows about the girlfriend it's all fine. but i feel like new girl was trying to do this stuff for attention and being controlling. now she's sending me messages on facebook to be friends, sending me compliments. I'm annoyed, i want to ignore her, but don't want to be petty and rude.

there's so much on my mind, it won't stop, that above is just a small thing. i can't sleep and my younger son starts school in 4 hours. i can't find a lunch box for him i dont know where they all went. i've got all the other required school supplies ready, but i forgot about the lunchbox! i think i will just send his luch in a plastic bag or something. i use these tupperwares so they won't fit in regular brown paper lunch bag. ughh i hate when school starts. i will have a hard time in the morning. Luckily my son is excited for school, all clothes (nothing new, just old clothes), socks and shoes all ready, he had his shower last night. I forgot to get him a haircut all summer, so it's all cute and blonde and getting long again. God he is such a good kid. I really hope he doesn't inherit any bp from me.

something else is bothering me, i had a friend come over today unannounced. i told her i did not feel like hanging out and she came over anyway, i even told her i have pink eye. and she says she's a nurse and knows how to stay away from my pink eye germs and she wont stop talking. she has all these issues going on... (like i'm dumping on you guys right now - sorry). brings her dog and just gets in my pool, i don't want all this dog hair in my pool... it makes the pump fail and i can't afford to fix it if that happens. but i didnt say anything, didnt want to be rude, just hoping they'd leave soon. i even told her that i only want to visit for an hour. i told her about my older son being hospitalized last week and was just back home, and i'm going through a lot and don't want company. but she set up camp, told me she knows what i need and it's beer and pot. i did end up partaking, which i havent done in a long time. but then something happened to me like the stress and anxiety, and I went and found older son's cigarettes and smoke 2 of them, ughh gross... I almost made it a year without smoking, but it felt like another person just picked up the cig and was this version of me that's going to take care of business, like there is too much to do and too much to process and the weak and depressed version of me isn't capable of making it through this time with older son just home from hospital, and lucky he's alive, and then younger son starting school tomorrow, and she's also apparantly not capable of setting boundaries with people invading my space and my body. If this is another version of me, I need her, hope she sticks around minus the cigarettes, because I can't get through this on my own.

Thank you for listening.