Went to see a movie with my cousin and his gf yesterday. Had to fake laughter through the whole thing. When it's a funny movie and everyone is laughing their butts off, you can't just sit there with a poker face. Being on my own makes me suicidal, being involved in social activities makes me anxious, miserable and I always walk home with acute feeling of loneliness and disappointment.
I want to feel pleasure again so I can motivate myself into treatment. Or at least trying to find help. Any help. Maybe I could find someone to talk to, start building my own support system. Sometimes I think drugs and alcohol could kick start my brain. Or kill me.. I'm keeping my options open.