Maybe I am.

I'm tired. More tired than I've been in a long time. Life has been a battle. A constant climb. I'm tired.

T says my life is better. Significantly better. From the outside, perhaps it is. It's certainly less destructive.

T says I'm not being abused by a spouse or an employer anymore. That's very true.

I'm no longer in an unhealthy marriage, that I was in for 15 years and got out of 3 years ago - but am now left without any affection, emotional connection, physical intimacy, financial assistance, help around the house, help with our child...

I am left with the feelings of worthlessness, that no one could ever possibly love someone like me...feeling so ugly and defective...leaving me fearful of ever trying to venture out into the world.

Having to let go of the beliefs of "well, at least he found me attractive, he loved me enough to marry me, I'm worth something"...

I'm no longer in an abusive work environment where I was walking on eggshells every day....but I'm also left without the confidence of being of value to my clients and the fulfillment of enjoying fun and close relationships with wonderful coworkers....and, of course, the decent paycheck that proved to my family that I was worth something - that I wasn't the loser they said I would be, who would never make something of herself, especially without an education.

Now, as a single, unemployed mom...with only a couple months left of unemployment and no full time work...my family can finally be "right"....

...I'm left with enduring the emotional pain of loneliness and feelings of worthlessness - as well as excruciating physical pain almost daily....and the stress of putting a roof over our heads and providing for my daughter who deserves so much - and not knowing what's going to happen in a mere couple of months...

My life is "significantly better", according to my T....But that doesn't mean I feel good right now. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself....

But EFF-U, T for saying that my life is "cake".



...I have no idea how I will ever work through past CSA's and other abuse with a T who can minimize what I'm feeling....I can hear it now, "But that was a long time ago! Get over it!".....