On June 16, my 26 y/o daughter died while trying everything she could to relieve herself from a migraine. She had suffered for years with them and the med profession could do no more for her, so she self medicated. I self medicated too for about 30 years. In 2001 I was hospitalized for the first time and accurately diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II. Up until that day in June I was pleased to say that I was successfully treated.

The grief has been building and I told my pdoc that if something was not done to stem the grief all my work in remaining stable was in jeopardy. I was told grief was normal and they don't medicate it. Well, today is the second day I am bed ridden. What the grief has done has eliminated all desire and ability to maintain all the things that were necessary for me to remain stable. I am down to only taking my meds (only Lithium) and it is a struggle to justify the point of taking them.

I was very close to my daughter. We had been estranged for 8 years and in January the ice was broken and in the last 4 months we had got to the point we were when she was in high school. My son has nothing to do with me, of course my ex doesn't, my daughter was my only family.

Since this incident and the resultant change in me I find everyone I know backing away from me. I was living alone before she died, now I am experience unimagined, oppressive, loneliness.

Grief counseling is hard to find. One place, Good Grief, advertises walk in service. I did, they were in a meeting. Compassionate Friends are a possibility, but even being non-denominational I still will have to deal with well meaning christians. They have a great desire for intervention from their god to offer. Other religions aren't as pushy. I have nothing against peoples religion. I feel that if it works for them fine. I have an ethos but since it is not theirs they feel obligated to "show me the way."

I sternly rebuke their offers and that has caused my leaving other groups.
So I am sinking deeper.The psych profession is not that competent in treating BD. So I fired my pdoc. I have nothing to gain or lose by letting nature take it's course with me.

Everything I valued and love left with my daughter. I wish for her peace, and every night I go to bed forcing myself not to wake up.

I am in therapy but she is about to be fired also. She is in complete agreement with the pdoc. What are the waiting for, until I begin to want to hurt myself? I have been there. Without help who knows how far I will sink. I surely don't want to go there again.

Thank for reading my vent.