I've been struggling with something for a LONG time. In 1994 I decided I wanted to start my own business. I've taken SO many entrepreneurial classes, but haven't been able to decide what kind of business to start. I've read SO many books (Barbara Sher-type books, also "What Color Is Your Parachute," that sort of thing), but I've had no flashes of brilliance. I've felt really stuck, and have been very frustrated. Oh, I've started several small businesses from home, over the years, but never made more than pocket change on any of them. I need something that will support me (I've been unemployed for 6 months, now. Times like these I wish I'd figured out what kind of business to start LONG ago).

I've even gone to career counselors and taken tests to find out what I "should" be doing. They said "writing." That's what I do (when I'm employed). I'm a technical writer. But there isn't enough work. I spend half my time unemployed. Sigh. : (And my scripts, books, short stories, poetry, etc haven't sold )

I especially want to get this decision made, now, because I'm 56 years old, and very aware that my future is up in the air. I have no savings for retirement, I hate where I live (Los Angeles) and I hate apartment living. I want a house in the north (I'm from Michigan. I miss the change of seasons VERY much). But how do I come up with money for a down on a house when I'm unemployed half the time? And how will I support myself if I get a place in the exurbs? There's no guarantee of work, in the local economy, wherever I might end up. A business of my own - that supports me - is the only answer. That brings me back to my indecision problem. I don't care about writing. I just want SOMETHING I can do to support myself in the lifestyle I want.

I've been struggling with this a lot, for a long time. But, especially lately. It's murderously hot here (I don't tolerate heat well), and I'm TIRED of living on unemployment checks. Alone. No family. No job. No nothing. This whole lifestyle sucks.

Then I had a minor epiphany -- I heard a quote today on an old sitcom. The character was being encouraged by a Peter Pan ex-husband to stop being so responsible and just relax and be like a kid again. She replied: "I don’t want to worry about what to do with my life. I’ve got enough trouble worrying about what I’m going to do with my weekend." Suddenly, it hit me. I'm TIRED of trying to figure out what to do with my life. I've been at this a LONG time. I want a vacation from it!!! While I'm irritating my ulcer with this, my life is passing me by. I'm depressed, losing sleep -- why? I had a horoscope say, a few days ago: "If it's really meant to be, none of your efforts can screw this up. On the other hand, if it's not meant to happen, nothing you can do can make it occur." I've always been a fatalist. I can grab onto that philosophy and run with it.

It didn't feel like a major epiphany, but it was a decision whose time has come. So, I've decided to take the Summer off. From worry, from major life decisions, from angst. (Applause, please. Thank you ) Look for me over here, on the lounger, taking a well deserved nap!