Hi Vigodits,

I can't imagine losing one of my kids, so it is understandable you are in such grief. Also, this is very new grief, it was only in June. That's two months, that's not long at all. It is completely normal to be in grief after such a loss.

When I was 13 my mom died. She was the only one who really looked out for me. I was already mentally instable when she died. I'd had my first suicide attempt at 12, but the instability went back farther than that. No one else understood that I was in a bad place. She had had breast cancer since I was 2 years old, so I grew up knowing she was going to die. But, in the end, I wasn't ready for it. Also, in her last hospitalization they asked me and my dad if they should try to save her if her heart stopped. Well, my dad was in too much grief to decide, so I had to. I was only 13, and I had to decide. So, all I knew was she always told me a bad fall would break all her bones, and so I thought of the difibulator shaking her body so hard it would break all her bones, and I didn't think it would save her but kill her. So that was my decision.

After, I went to grief counceling in three places. The first was a support group at the hospital where she died. That is one place you should look. I also had a specialised grief therapist, who I actually didn't like, but she was trained primarily for grief counceling. The third place was at my school with a group of kids who had lost someone.

First off, you can't trust your judgment when you're in grief, so for now don't fire your pdoc or T. Maybe take a break from them for a short time. Secondly, go back to Good Grief. Don't give up because they were in a meeting. Third, avoid the news and the radio. Sad stories and sad songs are not what you need right now, they are triggering. It is 20 years after my mom passed away and there are still songs I do not listen to.

Lastly, remember that this takes time. This year is 20 years since my mom died, and I'm not done grieving. People tell me I should be done, but for the first two years I was completely shut down. After that, I had so many memories that were blocked due to the intensity of the grief, that I couldn't even feel it. Over time things come back, life events happen, and there is an empty chair in the room. I'm not the only one, either. My dad is still grieving her too, even though he is re-married, but my step-mother is only a "companion" to avoid loneliness, but if my mom suddenly walked through the door that relationship would end. When my mom died she left a giant gaping hole in our lives, and nothing can fill it. BUT, life does go on somehow, and over time the pain is less and less, the triggers are fewer, and you learn to live with the ghost, so to speak.

Take care.