(((Rose))),

I hear you, I know what you mean too. Sigh...and it is hard to see the reality about the people we associate with as our "family" for what they really are. And if they happen to be people with "privilage" it is hard to see such cold ignorant selfish people be so sheltered and "safe" where they don't "have" to care as well. I have seen this a lot and it isn't just "you" that deals with this either, it happens to many children who have parents that are self absorbed and view things that "don't suit them, even children as throw aways".

I remember watching the biography of Kate Middleton and her sister Tipper and what they were exposed to once their mother came across an idea that resulted in her making millions. Well, these girls got to be a part of the "upper crust" educational process and they were not "accepted" even though their mother made a successful business. It didn't matter, because these other new peirs were all "trust fund" families that didn't have to find a way to "make a living". These two girls were subject to being "left out" and were just considered "outsiders" and it wasn't easy for them.

One would think that her parents would be respected for making something so profitable. No, they were not repsected for that at all. And those "trust fund" high society people were in a very "me, I, selfish" psychological world of their own. I have seen this in certain areas myself and it is hard to wrap one's brain around, the coldness of it all is sureal. And the identity of the children growing up in this atmosphere? Well, they don't really "have" an identity other than I am the daughter/son of so and so.

It is not unusual for people to want to distance from "toxic" family, but when in a situation when "family" is privilaged, it can be even harder sometimes. It can be harder because as you mentioned, growing up can be full of lots of special perks that the average person cannot even imagine having. These things/luxuries are just there and to all of a sudden have that taken away with needing to "distance from the toxic people in that world"? Well, that is difficult to let go of. And these privilaged people can be VERY COLD and ENTITLED.

I am sure there were many times when Tipper and Kate wished some other girls would enter into the system that could be the new "scape goats" so they could catch a break. I honestly wished that many times myself growing up, if only some new kids could get on that school bus so my brother could catch a break from being bullied. And believe me, it could have changed my world alot, if only I didn't have to see him grow so angry every day and know that "I" would be the one to pay somehow. Oh, I sure didn't know how to explain that fear to my parents, and the thought of them making it even worse somehow, well, that was out of the question, so I just did my best to put up with it somehow.

Human beings can be very "ignorant" and "cold" and "invalidating". I have that happening to me now with my attorney who makes $800 and hour plus. He doesn't see "me". The opposing side? They don't see "me". They are all about "not seeing the reality of hurt, but only seeing the reality of the dollars in the case itself".

As a matter of fact I spoke up to my attorney and talked about his mistakes and his age as well. It was ok for "him" to talk about his age and forgetfulness, but not for me to point out how it is effecting "me". And when I talked about it my attorney's reply was to fire him and find a new attorney, and he knows full well how hard that will be for me. So, he is "entitled" to make mistakes, after all HE IS THE PROFESSIONAL with ALL THE EXPERIENCE AND WEALTH BEHIND HIS NAME. It doesn't matter to him that it is more "convenient" for him and the opposing side to fuss with my case while I am in the middle of my season and have to work. That is not important, they could interact and depose and request when I am not in my season and busy and they all know it, it is part of my case, they can see when I am busy. Sigh....all last year, MY WHOLE SEASON was nothing but depositions that NEVER HAPPENED. THEY "DON'T CARE". I have PTSD, and as human beings the attornies all know it, THEY DON'T CARE!!!! And if I complain? THEN I AM JUST A CRAZY LADY!!!! THEY DON'T KNOW, NOR DO THEY CARE TO KNOW.

"But" not "all" people are like this Rose. Yes, it is very hard to finally "see" those that are "ignorant". And this is something that the "vets" that come home from war all feel. They come home to a society that is basically "ignorant" of the "REALITY" of what "WAR" IS REALLY LIKE.

When someone has PTSD, they are very "sensitive" and they have a very "real" challenge that is not about any kind of "just" anymore. But it doesn't have to mean they will forever be "less than" or "weaker than" others. It takes time to learn how to take this new "heightened state of awareness" and take the steps to finally learning how to "accept" the "ignorance that others maintain around us".

When I say "accepting" Rose, I am not talking about "giving in". I am talking about being able to look at people who behave in "toxic ignorant ways" as people we have finally made a decision to walk away from. You and I and some others in the PTSD forum have been in the "grieving" stage of PTSD. This is when we have to learn to see how sad it is that people we associated with in our past no longer can have a positive affect on our sense of well being. That we are designed to connect with and love our families as human beings, however, the way that these people behave and interact are no longer productive or represent the kind of relationship that is "healthy" for us to be a part of.

When your mother, knowing that you were struggling, talked about a family that had a child struggling and how it would be better for the family if this child ended his/her life. Well, that was a huge "red flag" of the kind of person your mother truely is. And you can already see how "your mother's influence on her own children" presented children with "distorted and troubled perceptions of their own". Even if this so called "family" invited you on a vacation, you would not have enjoyed it at all. You are now seeing them for what they all are and it is actually "sad" to see. And they are all hanging onto a sinking ship that you have actually swam away from. It is much like watching the Titanic go down while sitting in an open life boat.

Why on earth would you be embarassed to express the fact that this is "sad" to you?
There are thousands of pieces of literature that touch on this "reality" that flourishes in human beings. We call many of these writers "brilliant" and "talented" and their novels and poetry and art are revered and considered valuable treasures.

It is a matter of learning how to finally give yourself permission to be okay with what you are seeing. No, it is not a nice reality, but you are seeing it and you "will" eventually find that you are really not alone in experiencing this. You aren't because I am here talking about it and so are lot of others. And it is totally "ok" that it upsets you and yet you continue to keep progressing "inspite of this reality".

At this point, your mother and those that "bow to her and allow her to control them" are no longer people that can provide you with any real substance in your life. Whatever you did while you were with them, well, you learned some things along the way, and you did learn things Rose if you think about it. For a while you had the inside scoop about the kind of people that your mother considered "friends and worth associating with". But that was a pretty "shallow" group of individuals, even if they were people with "means". So be it, and you are one that has outgrown that way of being "ignorant" and "praising the ignorant". And you now know the only "love" they have is "for themselves". This is not an easy lesson to learn, especailly for someone who has emotional depth. Emotional depth does not mean "weakness". Emotional depth is behind the most inspiring pieces of literature created and revered as I mentioned. And someone with Emotional depth can learn to hear the heartbeat of humanity like no other. It just takes time to get used to the rythm of seeing "reality" in other human beings. You are certainly "not stupid", if you were you would still be wiping your wicked mother's shoes. Oh, yeah, that was Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Dorothy from the Wizard of OZ and many more. And hmmm, wonder how those stories got imagined?

Open Eyes