(((Black wolf))),

Ok, don't let that frighten you. I went through that myself. I just was overwhelmed by some of the flashbacks that came forward in me as well. The idea is to help you sort through these flashbacks without having the intense inflow of anxiety that can come with experiencing flashbacks.

If we experience things in our past, especially when we are children, our brain has the ability to "numb emotions" so that we can survive a bad experience. So children who experience upsetting things learn to shut down. When we get older we can be triggered to remember these experiences and because we are older and have learned more about life etc, these memories can come back and be very confusing to us.

First when a flashback takes place, that alone is confusing. After it is over it can make us feel very uncomfortable and we can experience a lot anxiety which, ofcourse can flood the brain with cortizol. If we get upset on top of that it can create even more cortizol and that can become very disabling. If we are given a medication at first while these flashbacks come through, that can help us lower the cortizol and give us a chance to work through these memories with a therapist.

I know, it would be nice if we could just not have this happen, I hear you, I felt that way too. But, after a while I learned that these flashbacks come in like a wave, I just observe them, knowing they will have an end and also the anxiety and fear will have an end too. I found that for me, the early childhood flashbacks were/are very upsetting because I actually "am" that child in me experiencing the emotions I had at the time I was abused etc. BUT, when I talk about these experiences in therapy, the flashbacks decrease in power until finally they are just a small memory, unpleasant but a memory that I have now "consciously" addressed in the now.

A therapist doesn't want to "retramatize" a patient when exploring what comes forward in flashbacks with the patient. They would not ask a patient to remember at all unless the patient was already having these memories come forward causing them stress, even presenting them with emotional distress and confusion.

It takes time to sort through the past and understand how the past is part of who we are in the now. I had to learn so much myself, I had not truely realized that I have habits and reactions that formed as a result of my past. I had to learn about the cycles of PTSD and do my best to be very patient for the past year especially.

It clearly sounds like you are in the first phase of PTSD and it IS a challenge to understand, but it "will" slowly get better with therapy and support and time.
The most important thing to learn is to be very patient with yourself and learn how NOT to feed into it as it comes forward. You have to learn that it comes in like a wave and it will also receed. And to just "observe" and do your best to remain calm.
Observe how your body reacts and "learn" how to self sooth that too instead of feeding into it by being afraid, knowing whatever part of the cycle you are in, it will come in and then pass. And yes there is anger in the cycles as well as wanting to give up on life itself. BUT, "very important" all these feelings come in, and slowly receed and you CAN learn to be patient and not think PTSD is "your fault" somehow.

You "will" get past this stage and get to the point where you gain and begin to even feel more release about what comes forward.

It is a process to recover from PTSD, and it doesn't mean you are crazy or bad or a failure or a burden to others. Yes, I know all those feelings too. You have to understand that none of this is "your fault" and it "will slowly get better". It is a challenge but you "can" slowly gain on it, even if you wonder if you ever will.

Make sure you come here and share and vent if you need to. You are not alone, others experience this as well and they slowly learn to work through it and support is a big plus. So let yourself get support.

I am even amazed at how I got angry and snappy too. But you CAN learn to control this with time and therapy.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes