thanks mandyfin for the support.
I live with my cat in a subsidized apt. my only source of income is SSDI. my family lives fairly close, parents still living but older with health problems of their own.
I called the rehab worker today and told them i would not be reporting for a "sheltered work" environment. they have said it is a step toward returning to employment, but have classified me as anitsocial along with other DX.'s I am in a stage of denial, but must now conclude i will not return to work. I guess i must accept being "disabled" . I feel no sense of empowerment anymore. I am required to see a psych every 3 mo. and have a case manager. They have been dishonest and that is not even a strong enough word for them. I tried to sue the government and it went all the way to the Supreme Court. It's a long story. But heavily laden with trauma. I told myself this morning the only way now to deal with it all is to dissociate from it. and to deny it as happening.
I tried to keep to a routine of normal sleep at night and such but during the day there was not much to do. The STATE decided what i would be doing, and they are negligent. I was forced to live in a ghetto type apt. ordered by a judge to live there, because i had no independent source of income. As a result , the police were there every single day playing cat and mouse games with druggies at the expense of my health and safety. they labelled me suicidal at times, which was another one of their lies. Long story... I came back from a walk to my apt. building for example and one day, police, paramedics, and such wrere in the parking lot. trying to cope with my symptoms, suicide was running thru my mind. I was trying to understand why that was running thru my mind. Turned out to be an actual suicide. Later confirmed. There are numeruous schizos living here in the apt's along with numerous other mental health caseloads. Where i live is nothing more than a contracted "outpatient psych ward." So, i guess, today i will convince myself that yes, i must still go out and buy groceries with the food stamps card, which was fraud from the get go. but, for now, i am going to try and deal with this denial, and come to an understanding that i will not return to work ever again. much like a semi-retired old guy..who just tinkers around the house. I fully believe the government is to blame for my condition, and my hope still remains for a settlement from the STATE along with home ownership. i cope by drinking a few beers now, but not turning to hard liquor. The beer seems to help the symptoms and relaxes me while listening to the radio. P.S. the job rehab guy wants me to think it over. But, has said if i don't change my mind, they will probably close the rehab case. I, in my mind have already decided "enough is enough." I'll just accept it in time. for the most part, it was wasted words anyway. What i could not understand was why my family members did not contribute some funds, or why the STATE would not find additional sources of self-support. As it stands now, i am on what they call a section 8 waiting list for housing. If approved, I can look for a small home. The government screwed up!